Closer Everyday

I realized I usually only write when I'm upset or I've got something on my mind.
People must think I'm a depressed person for that reasoning. I'm not though!
The only reason why I write when I'm upset is because it relieves some of the pain and makes me feel better. When I'm happy though, I have no urge to write because that's just how it works.
I've been so happy these past couple of weeks.
It's mostly thanks to my dad. Him and I have an amazing relationship and I completely trust him with everything. A couple weeks ago we had a really good talk that has literally changed me for the better.
Seeing as I was able to be so completely and utterly honest with him I was able to tell him about a lot of my problems and worries. He was a great listener and even better with his giving me his opinion.
What really helped was the fact that I was lying in bed looking like a mess with no makeup on or fancy clothing; plain old me. He looked at me and told me I was smart, beautiful and an amazing person, and I could tell he really meant it.
All of his words that night made me feel so much better, not just about myself but about all of my life and the way I had been living every single day.
So what's really changed?
I have more confidence! I've realized I look in the mirror a ton less now because I can't exactly change the way I look, and others should like me for who I am on the inside.
On Halloween I wore a costume I normally wouldn't have had the courage to wear before, because it was pretty scary and got enough attention that I before would have been too self conscious to have received. It felt really good though! Some people didn't even know who I was.
In class I participate more without feeling as scared as to whether or not my answer or opinion was wrong (Honestly though, opinion questions should always receive full marks).  That's great because it's helped boost my mark a bit more.
Speaking of marks, I've figured out what I want to do after high school and I'm pretty sure I know which universities I plan on going to!
My indoor soccer has started up again I really like my team... it's an odd mash-up of characters but we somehow play well together and I've been having fun. The only weird thing for me is that I'm the oldest; I've never been the oldest person on my team... actually, I think in the whole league me and my other friend are the only two who are 17/18... huh! Indirectly I realized it's been good because it lets me take on more of a leadership role. Being the oldest of three I'm used to that, so this way on my team I can treat my tea mates in a way I know I already feel comfortable, and create a stronger relationship.
I did a huge clean-up of my room a week ago and it's managed to somehow stay that way-I have no idea how! I got rid of clothing I was before too sad to give away because of the memories (even though I knew full well I'd never wear them again...). Then I got rid of a bunch of other things such as books and toys that I hadn't used in years. It felt great to have a clean room, but it felt even better to have inspired my family to do the same thing!
I've had a good break from my boyfriend recently. I'm not saying we were on a break, I'm saying I haven't seen him since his birthday which was two weekends ago. (I met his friends and hung out with him all day. Sometimes that's tiring for me but I actually enjoyed myself. He bought baking ingredients because he knows how much I love baking and I thought that was sincerely sweet of him. We baked then all his friends came over and we went for dinner. I baked him an amazing cake and then I had to return home. I think I like him better because I like his friends, is that wrong? I'm not sure but I don't think it is haha!) Being away from him has given me a chance to breathe and appreciate things better.
Also... what kind of post would this be if I didn't mention 'him'? -Maybe a good one? I'm kidding.. kind of. I haven't spoken to him in quite awhile and I feel guilty for admitting I don't exactly hurt from missing him. OK, maybe I don't feel guilty, I feel great! I love him but getting a breather from him as well has really helped me see clearly. When poets say 'love blinds' or 'love is blinding', it's not just a cute quote they stick in there; they mean it! Love can twist the way you sense anything and everything. That's when I realized that taking a step back and understanding that my dad was right-I deserve the best- really opened my eyes.... maybe he's not for me. I think I'll always love him. Who knows; only time will tell!
Well... I've experienced what I've seen to be huge changes in my life, such as cleaning my room, participating in class and things like cleaning my room. A lot of people might think these are just ordinary things but deep down thanks to that talk with my dad I've gotten enough self confidence to do them all confidently and take pride in them. I love my dad.
I can't wait to discover more about myself.

A Real 'Rey' of Sunshine.

Have you ever seen something too beautiful for words?
I was just involved in a piece of work so utterly breathtaking it made me shiver.
I can understand it, but I cannot relate to it.
Any other day, or any other proposal of this idea I wouldn't have thought twice. I'd wonder why I'd ever want to experience something so awful.
Then again, it's not any other day, it's today. And all I want is to be able to experience and truly feel the way this artist felt. I want to connect to life the way she did. I want to feel a burning desire and passion the way she did. I want to be able to speak about it as charismatically as she does.
I want to feel this pain, just to know I can still feel.
Her piece is amazing as it is, truly incredible. I feel everyone could appreciate it so much more though if they could experience the past life she had to survive to make it to where she is now.
It's breathtakingly beautiful.
It makes me feel an intensity I knew not existed.
It pains me.
Yet it makes me feel alive.

HE.

I just had a revelation.
A serious revelation.
You were with her four months before I had been with him.
You've been with her for 6 months and I with him for 2 months.
So with that four month gap of you being taken and me being single I didn't understand how to respect our new relationship.
I should not have been flirting with you because it was wrong. It might have made you feel confused and thinking back makes me feel guilty; that's how I know it's wrong. 
I wasn't trying to wreck your relationship or sabotage it, I simply didn't understand...how to be single without you being single as well.
Now I get it though.
Tonight we were outside and he put his arms around me and things just all of a sudden felt right.
I heard the click.
The magical and blissful sound of a chiming click where everything feels right and you can feel everything has come together nicely.
I can't help but feel horrible thinking you had achieved your click already... maybe you haven't though. Odds are you have and while you were trying to enjoy the good in your life you couldn't fully appreciate it because I was like the 'tick' that kept interrupting your clicks. 
Does that make any sense?
I don't know... I'm sorry; I know that much. 
I'm glad I realized that tonight; that I'm really happy with what I have right now.
Maybe I can't have you, at least not now, but I think I'm starting to get over you.
Maybe it's crazy me talking and I'm still madly in love with you.
But I don't feel the way I used to... I don't want to talk to you every single day or even every second day.
After you hurt me I think I actually learned my lesson; fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Even though it's more like 'Fool me eighty-seven times, shame on me again.'
Anyways, after feeling my click tonight I knew he deserved the best. My he. He-him who is mine.
He deserves the best because he is genuinely a good guy who treats me better than anyone. I can tell how much he loves me even if it's only been a couple months. We've known each other so much longer so I actually know him. And he deserves better than what I've been giving him.. he deserves someone like the girl I am going to be.
And other he, not my he, but he-he; yes him, he deserves the best too. Sadly, I don't think I am what is best for him. I think moving on will help him maybe more than it will help me. He's a terrific guy; one in a million, and he deserves his perfect one in a million and I can't help but think for once in my life that maybe she's not me.

I think I'm moving on even though I'm not ready.
But I can't stop. 

Passion

I love this picture!
Of course it's hilarious but it also holds an exceptional amount of truth to it.
I feel like everyone is born with pieces missing.
I think that as we go on in life, experiences, people and places help to fill these holes.
I admire people who are passionate. I feel like it is much easier for them to fill these holes they bear. 
When I meet someone who is passionate about something I looove listening to what it is they are passionate about. Have you ever actually listened to someone talk about something they passionately love? It's amazing! You get a true sense of who they actually are and you automatically like them more...
You could be passionate about zippers, but once you start telling me about why you love them and I see the joy and happiness radiating from your body I cannot help but feel infected. It's such a beautifully warm feeling too. 
People who are passionate in life always seem to be happier as well because they've found a reason they believe that life is worth living for. These passions help create meaning that makes others envious and want to strive to be like them. I don't think this is bad because it helps to build the character of others -plus being passionate about something is typically a pro. 
As odd as this may sound, I love listening to elderly people who are passionate. 
I love thinking that someone who has been around for so long can still be so happy and excited with their life and small things in it that others may believe are unimportant. 
I also enjoy listening to people who have passion for another person or animal. People especially are extremely complex and to be able to love someone so intensely and be true to that love with an honest and open heart is truly incredible. I applaud these people.
Well, I hope everyone who is searching to fill their gaping holes comes across something they feel passionately about, and hold on until they discover it.

A Dream So Surreal

I had a dream last night that was so surreal it felt real. Does that make sense?... It is so vividly clear to me. 
I've been remembering a lot of my dreams lately, it's not something that happens often. When I do remember my dreams they're usually themed similarly or scary and I try forgetting them quickly.
This dream was different though. This dream is the exception. 
He was in my dream. 
No, no. He was my dream. He was the entirety of what made my dream memorable. -What made me actually want to remember it for once.

Holding you felt so right. 
Holding you felt so real.
My skin touching yours felt so good; words cannot describe the pleasure it gave me.
Touching you was so satisfying. Like I wouldn't ever need anything else.
Your skin felt soft and right against mine.
Then I woke up. My surreal reality was quickly shattered.
I know these things could not exist.
So why does my mind taunt me?

Waking up was the worst part of my day. Honestly, I don't mind Mondays. Tuesdays are what get me down. Mondays are great; I get to see my friends again, start the week off without homework -it's like a fresh start. Tuesday I'm thinking, "Oh man, four more days!" Don't get me wrong, I really like school and I love learning! Some classes don't challenge me enough though and it aggravates me. I don't like when teachers are too lenient. I need strict rules! Well... I want them. I need structure in my life and it's annoying when some teachers let students walk all over them. This means I am not only ahead of everybody else (in work) by a week or so, but it means I'm not being given the attention and lessons that I deserve-that everyone deserves. Some students shouldn't be taking advantage of the teachers of course, but the teachers need to know that they're in charge. Come on! Sometimes it just gets ridiculous. 
        Way off topic. Oops.
What I find most hilariously coincidental about all of this was that I heard TWO songs today. One was "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (whom I adore), but that doesn't count too much seeing as I randomly had it come up on my iPod while on shuffle. The only other song I heard was "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith. This entire song metaphorically compares a relationship to a dream because it is so unreal. Maybe it was a coincidence but I don't think so, not this time. The lyrics match up almost too perfectly to some of what I felt that it was almost scary.
         So this dream I had was incredible! Everything in it felt so incredibly real. In fact, it felt so real that when I woke up it felt as if I had began dreaming. It made me ponder the idea of 'What if when we're sleeping we're really awake, and when we're awake we're really asleep?' Now I know it's absurd but it honestly made me wonder.
I couldn't stop thinking about the way the dream made me feel all through out the day.
The man who let me down was suddenly this fantasized hero, making me feel so loved.
Just touching him made my body feel electric. 
I didn't want this to happen either. I don't plan my dreams. I envy all those who can control what they do in their dreams, like fly. How I would love to be able to do that!
This man had just hurt me in the real world and I was not ready to forgive him but apparently my imagination had moved on long before my heart, along with my mind. 
Something about holding him and him holding me filled that void I've been searching for these past few weeks. It filled the hunger my soul has been looking for these past few weeks. It made me feel happy. It made me feel strong. Just the feel of his skin made everything in my life feel better.
I'm not one to try and psycho analyze my dreams. (Ha, ha. I know, after a page of me ranting I sound like a lying hypocrite; but seriously, I don't usually do this!)
I'm just wondering what this means. I honestly doubt it means anything because it goes against my better judgement, my heart and my mind.
Okay, it agrees with my heart. Big whoop. My heart only feels; it never thinks first.
I guess what I've learned from this is that temptation can be a pretty scary thing.
It can make you lust for what you know is wrong for you. It tests you on so many levels. It's a test of your will power and a trial of your strength. 
The only problem is, if you don't know the answer to: What should I do?, or, What is the right thing to do?, then you might be in trouble. 
I guess I know what I want, but I know what I need.
Choosing which one to guide me through the next steps of my life is what will help determine what I stand for I guess.
And who knows, maybe in a month or two I'll look back thinking "Wow. Why did I ever think that was the right choice? Why would I ever stand to believe such BS?!"
I'm going to be okay with making these mistakes (If I do) though. You know why? Because when I look back I'll think "Hey, I may have stood up for the wrong thing, but at least I stood up for something that I thought was right." 
That , is what will make it okay.

Slowly but Surely in Silence

Last night I lit a few candles and sat silently, watching them glow.
I turned off my laptop, phone, iPod, and all the lights and I just sat there, watching the candles slowly burn.
I can't stop lighting them now. There's something really peaceful about just watching the flames dance... it's really calming.
So as I sat there in the silence I did something I don't think I've done in a long time; I listened to it. For a few minutes I heard nothing, but then, all at once, it was as if every single thought came plummeting upon me. Then, out of nowhere, I found myself praying to God. I can't remember the last time I truly prayed, most likely over a year ago.
I prayed for everything and everyone. Suddenly, I realized the silence had made me realize how much was actually on my mind. I am so grateful for everything I have and everyone in my life, but I like to brush off things that are bothering me. I typically write when I'm bothered or exercise, and although it may make me feel better, it never does anything to actually fix the problem.
Listening to the silence gave me a chance to think about how I'm going to handle what is on my plate. It gave me time to assess if I was blowing it out of proportion, or if I wasn't taking it seriously enough. It helped me think of ways to actually deal with my problems at hand. Being able to know I've got a few solutions right now feels so much better. Sure, writing a poem would make me feel better, but I would still have a problem, and sometimes I just don't feel like writing a poem or exercising every time I'm stressed...

For the Sake of It

I don't know what this post is about.
I don't even know what's really going on right now.
My curtain is pink and alone.
The rain is coming down quite harshly.
I like it.
I like that I'm inside and warm.
The colourful flowers aren't real.
It's all synthesized. All of it.
Being alone can be a scary thing.
Truly terrifying.
I feel so hungry yet no matter how much I eat nothing fills me.
I don't even have a clue as to what I'm looking for.
I need to find this source that will replenish me.
I want to understand but I just can't.
I don't like these circumstances.
Confusion has taken over, slowly and subtly but surely.
My brain feels foggy.
Why do I have this song on my iPod? It's terrible..
I feel like I'm floating.
I feel like I'm not living, just existing at this exact moment.
I want it to end.
Wake me up.

Almost

Today was my little sister's first day back at school.

(Luckily for me, I don't start til tomorrow! Ha!)

My sister's slowly growing up and although she's a brat and pain in my rear end I love her more than anything.

Well, now that she's getting older she's dressing differently; she's showing more mature taste in clothing. I'm not saying she's wearing short skirts and black halter tops or anything, I'm just saying she's dropping the whole tom-boy character and basketball shorts. She's starting to wear shirts and dresses that I find really cute.

It's weird seeing her change like this, even though I like it.

Well a couple hours after she left I couldn't help but think: Wow! I should have offered to put makeup on for her!

Stop.

As soon as the idea entered my head it was as if sirens and smoke alarms were set off and I couldn't see properly. 

It made me remember what makeup really is.

Makeup is a mask.

Sure, when you're little you play around with your mother's makeup and experiment with your friends at sleepovers, but as you get older makeup takes on an entire new role in most women's lives, and I believe it's called 'confidence'. 

It's sad, but it's true (for me at least).

It's gotten to the point where I never go out in public without makeup. 

I still remember the day I was hooked. I was putting on a Halloween costume and thought, "I should put on a little bit of makeup!" Just for fun, plus it was Halloween so I thought people would figure it would go with my pop star costume.

Well, it screwed me up.

Ever since, and it was probably only grade 9, I've worn makeup to school every single day. Not once did I not wear it. I had to wear it. If I wasn't wearing it I would feel horrible about myself. I would try to keep my head down and not talk much to anybody, not even my closest friends. And it's silly, because nobody's going to remember the one day you weren't wearing makeup. In fact, most guys don't even notice it much (unless you've got it caked on, although I never did that).

Every year I always experiment and that usually means I wear a little bit more makeup as the days and weeks go by. 

It's so horribly sad, but I feel so ugly without makeup on.

I only don't wear it if I know I'm staying at home all day and won't see anybody I know. 

I know it's wrong. I know there are other qualities and traits I have that make me an amazing person, it's just that now that I've tasted it once I feel as though I can't live without it. I know it sounds shallow, and I wish it weren't so, but that's how I feel.

As soon as I realized what I just said I realized I never wanted to help her with makeup. Not yet at least... she's not even in high school yet. And no, wearing makeup doesn't make you a bad person, but I know that most girls get confidence from it that is artificial -me being one of them. I just don't want that for her.

She's really smart, smarter than I was at that age. She's got good friends and she's genuinely a nice person. No, she's not perfect, but she's my baby sister and I want her to know I think the world of her.

I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to feel beautiful for at least a little bit longer until she starts feeling the need to wear makeup to school.

I want her to know she doesn't need makeup to be beautiful.

Because I love her.

Nostalgic Moment Are Haunting

Today was kind of hard.

I had a doctor's appointment, it was just a check up. I go to them about once every 2 months for the past year or so. Before that the appointments were more frequents-starting at once a week and lengthening the visits to where they're at now.

I've been visiting this hospital for just over 7 years.

I've had the same amazing doctor there for these past 7 years. He's truly amazing. He talks to me like an adult, even since I was no older than 10 he always spoke to ME, and made sure I understood. He would address my parents second, but always made sure I knew what was going on. Not many people do that, especially not doctors -they really like speaking to the parents because they see them as the person of authority.

Saying goodbye was hard. It was really fast.

By this I mean I'm old enough now that I'll be moved to an adult hospital. I wish I had known ahead of time that it would have been the last time I'd seen him. I plan on visiting him with some baking soon. He's truly amazing and will be greatly missed.

My dad choked up at the end. The doctor left with the nurse still in the room and my dad just started crying. I felt badly because my doctor; Dr. D, has been through my life experiences with me, helping me get better the entire time. He's been so kind and caring. So I understood why saying goodbye would be hard for my dad. I tried comforting him by hugging him but it felt so odd... being the child having to comfort the adult. I'm used to it ; to putting on the brave face when I'm sick and telling people I'm fine because it does no good if everybody is worrying over me. I hate people worrying and making a fuss about me. I always try to avoid that. Well I know my dad's still upset, he has a reason to be. It's over 7 years of my life, I completely understand. Sometimes it's hard having to be strong all the time. I know everybody understands what I mean. Some people are forced to grow up and mature faster than others. What I've been through has been such an incredible journey and made me so much stronger than most my age, I don't regret that. Sometimes though, I just wish I could be the one comforted. I know there are millions of people going through worse than I am, which is how I can appreciate what I've got as well as I do, but on the other hand, I've been through a decent amount in my life, and to just brush it aside is not always easy. In fact, it's not always healthy.

I never cry in front of anybody. I've got a fear of crying in front of anybody. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I want people to see how grateful and happy am I with the life I'm living. But every once in awhile, everything is just too much and we all need to cry. Maybe for a minute, maybe for an hour... either way it's part of being human so I'm trying to accept that more and more as I get older. 

Anyways, I'm sure the new hospital will be fine. May be odd at first but I'll adapt. I'm actually a little bit excited. I did the appointment with my doctor alone today. My dad just came in at the end to say goodbye. I was a bit afraid at first because my dad always goes in with me. I thought conversation would be harder and things would get awkward. I was so happy to be wrong. Talking was so easy with him and natural. He felt more like a friend than a doctor and we got in a few last laughs. Transitioning to the new hospital will help me grow up and experience events on my own. I know it's going to make me stronger. I know this because it will be hard, even if it does sound small. But when you leave a hospital with the doctors and nurses that helped save your life, you know it's going to be a challenge.

I'm up for it though!

Late Night Skype

I love skype because it lets me see people I may not have otherwise had the chance to. It's fairly personal.
To be honest, I don't usually skype people I see on a daily basis. I use it mainly to catch up with people living further away.
There's one guy I love to skype. I only know him through xbox, and I know it may sound weird to others who haven't done that before, or sound unsafe, but when you talk to someone for over a year you really get to know them. You learn their flaws and what you really like about them. And because you're not seeing them everyday the friendship you have with them is even more impressive. It means you have to put more effort into it; it doesn't come as easily. It's a lot easier to communicate with someone when you're privileged with seeing them everyday, you know?
Well this friend and I, we skype a decent amount. Not as much as I'd like but we're both pretty busy, although he's definitely busier. It's not a bad thing. I can admire it.
Whenever we're skyping I have to be quiet because it's usually later (since there's a time change) -I'd hate for my mom or dad to wake up because they'd probably be mad (especially my dad because he's pretty over protective and would think it's dangerous and stupid of me. I'm naive sometimes but I have good judgement of people. I wouldn't be giving my information to complete strangers unless I had good reasoning, which I do, it's called trust. I trust the people and my better judgement to steer me in the right direction. I'm very safe.). It's hard to be so quiet though because he does a good job at making me laugh. When he smiles it's like, horribly contagious in the best way. When he laughs I always laugh. I laugh a lot... I think it weirds him out. I'm glad it weirds him out. He's not the happiest go-lucky guy. I'm not saying he's depressed or anything, not even, I guess I'm just used to being around my friends who are honestly always laughing or smiling. It's different for me to not be around someone who's constantly happy. Different can be good though.
I pretty much begged him to go on webcam last night because I hadn't seen him in awhile. That was a small mistake. I loved seeing him but he'd been drinking a bit and was way tired. I don't regret it, but I would've rather talked to him while he was sober and more awake... It's always nice seeing his handsome smile though. I'd never be the fool to pass that up.
Anyways, I hope it was the liquor talking but he kept mumbling about how he's going to break my heart. "I don't do it on purpose, it just always happens. It might not be right away, may be in 50 years, but it always happens." Of course I asked him to explain but he wouldn't. Usually I'd let it drop but I really wanted to understand. He can't make jokes about love and then tell me he's going to break my heart. He kind of already has a larger amount than I'd like him to, so he worried me. But, I'm blaming it on his state of mind because I'm sure he didn't mean it. Plus, we're young. We're supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. We're supposed to let them make us stronger.
The problem is, I think I really like this boy...

Priceless

Today I rode my bicycle without using my hands.
I didn't even know I could do that.
I just did it.
I haven't felt that free in a very long time.
I hadn't smiled like that for no reason at all in a long time.
It felt like everything was perfect, if even for just a moment.
As if the whole world was mine and I had no worries.
Freedom.

First for everything

I just had my first kiss.
Ironically, a boyfriend came with the package.
I'm about to get really honest..
The kiss was bad.
It was in my garage as he was leaving. He's really slow at making moves so I did it.
He apologized right away saying "Sorry, I'm really bad at kissing."
To which I'm pretty sure I said "That's okay."
Fuckkkk.. I feel so badly for saying that , oops!
Anyways, I kissed him a second time. It wasn't good either. Maybe even worse.
He left.
Well, now I'm telling my sister about it.
Great. She was the first to know that I have my first boyfriend.
My dad was the first to officially know I liked him as more than a friend.

So how did I end up dating him? (I won't be naming names..)
Well...
He liked me as more than a friend for awhile I think.
I was afraid of losing him as a friend because he means a lot to me.
His smell lingers in my basement.
Is it bad... I mean, they say that you remember your first kiss but I don't want to remember it exactly. After the second one I walked out to see his mom and sister in the car at the end of my driveway. That was fairly awkward. I guess if my mind doesn't remember this then I can re-read all this.. yay!
Anyways, I guess I finally started seeing him as more than just a friend.
We had been texting for months, almost a year. Then we went to a few movies and I had him meet my friends.
Tonight he met my parents. I have the MOST over protective dad in the world, no joke. Well, dinner with the family went a lot better than I had thought. All though honestly I was thinking the worst.. my family was totally themselves around him. Which was nice but it was also a bit embarrassing, oh well, wouldn't do it over again even if I could.
At the end of the night I felt so awkward asking if we were "facebook official". He said sure so I guess I'll update that tomorrow. I don't know, it's not on my number one list of top priorities or whatever.
Okay, so I guess this is -what, our third official date or whatever? Anyways, first was movie. Second he met my friends. Third tonight. We went to a movie then came to my house. We finished a movie and then went for a walk. Came back and gamed. Watched ANOTHER movie and cuddled. Then he called his mom to pick him up. When I got back to my room from the washroom was when he asked if we were official.
I feel like such a hypocrite.
He's a great guy and I'd love calling him my boyfriend, which I now can.
His smell still lingers in my room.
I want to redo my first kiss.
I'm a bad person.
I'm being honest.
Blah.

Well, I feel so hypocritical because I'm that one girl saying there's no point in high school relationships because they don't last. Well, I would more make fun of those relationships where they think they'll get married. It DOES happen, but rarelyyyyyy.
So, now I'm a girlfriend. I'm no longer single.
Sad. Happy. Mixed emotions.
I'm pretty independent. This relationship's going to be about fun. Nothing too serious.
I certainly don't see myself having sex with him, well not yet.
I don't want my morals to change too much, they already have quite a bit.
Hmmmmm...
I feel, I don't know.
I'm happy to have a guy like him to call my boyfriend.
He's sweet but a little bit awkward and nerdy. In a cute way. He listens to me attentively and takes interests in what I do. It's really nice.
Before he left I hugged him and almost kissed him. Then I thought "You don't want to have to remember your first kiss in your room after a breakup. Then, everytime you look at that spot that's all you'll see." So now I just have to walk out the front door instead of the garage if things turn sour. Hopefully not too soon.
Ouhh! How long will we last? I'm not too sure.... I'm hoping at least 3 months. I think that's a decent amount of time. He lives far enough away that I can imagine seeing him probably once a week. Not too bad I guess.
I wonder if we'll go to prom together. It's interesting imaging where things will go.
Don't confuse my curiosity with jumping-screaming-teenage-girl-fantasies. Oh no. I'm an optimist with the sensibility of a realist. That's how I roll.
So, August 17th, 2012, the day I got my first boyfriend. Funny too, my dad always told me I had to wait til I was 17.
The only thing left on my mind is who do I tell first, (pretending I haven't told my sister) and how do I tell my father?
Wish me good luck. I'm going to need it.

Smile

I'm happy.
I'm so happy :)
Life feels right right now. I feel fairly at peace with everything.
Cheering on Canada in the Olympics. I love watching the gymnastics. I wish I had their talent.
I've got my feelings sorted out about the people in my life.
I get to see my friends soon and I can't wait. I absolutely love my friends. Most are guys but that's even better - guys are typically less drama, especially my guys, and I'm always smiling and laughing around them.
I'm getting my swimming accreditation's sorted out.
I plan on cutting my hair within the beginning of the school year- 10 inches off, give or take.
I want the cartilage on my ear pierced. I think it'll look cute.
I'm a bit afraid for school to start again, the summer is zooming by.
At least I'll be shopping in the States in a couple weeks... yay new clothes! Not even on my dime too, how exciting!
Well, I'm still just trying to appreciate every day I'm given. I'm trying to respect the people in my life and love and laugh as much as possible.
Hope everyone else is doing the same xo

I met a genius

I found this poem the other day.

At first I didn't understand it and didn't care for it.

Then I read it again, again, and again.

I understand it now.

I think the little boy is able to see the ugly in something that everybody else believed was beautiful. Why does everybody believe the ocean is beautiful? Mostly because others have pre-determined that the ocean is beautiful. This boy though, he has decided to judge it for himself, without letting his opinion be infected by any others. 

I absolutely love it.

Popularity In School

Today I went on facebook to see some pictures uploaded from a guy who used to go to my school. He graduated a couple years ago and no disrespect to him but his act is clearly not together.
His priorities at the moment seem to be drinking, partying and girls.
He uploads pictures and receives little to no feedback, and when he does, it is typically negative.
He uploaded a picture most recently with some cheesy saying like "YOLO" or some other teen slang term that I absolutely cannot stand. He's drinking and has a huge goofy smile on his face; clearly not sober. He's posed trying to look godly or something, I do not know. It didn't turn out well.
I promise I'm not trying to judge, I just want this point across so the picture is clear.
Well, back when he was a senior in high school he was pretty much top dog. Everybody loved him and even though he wasn't the slimmest or best looking guy, he still got a lot of girls, because of his humor.
It made me wonder what his future held for him. Surely once he made it to university or college things would stay the same and he would still be popular and everyone would love him.
Turns out I was oh so wrong. Once you finish high school you pretty much get a clean slate. This I can look forward to. I'm pretty much going through high school being myself. I'm not trying to be popular, or be the prettiest or smartest, I'm just doing me. I love it.
It's kind of a relief knowing that I haven't been building up some fake facade to impress everybody in the hopes that it would live on my entire life. As though the teenage girls in my grade who are 'popular' have done everything for nothing.
Oh, not nothing, I mean lots of under age drinking, fish faced photographs, and late night mistakes... I promise I'm not trying to judge, although it's kind of hard seeing as it's in our nature.
Well, they can live their last year of school however they please because I'm going to do me and nobody else.
I was born an original, I'm not going to die a copy.

Ramble

Please forgive this post... I'm literally thinking words and just throwing them onto the screen without looking back.


It's funny. Technology today.
It sounds so absurd to just be able to say "I'm deleting it".
Delete. What even is the real meaning behind it?
So I'll delete a picture and it will be gone forever, okay.
Deleting a person is different though. To just be able to say "I'm deleting him" is crazy to me. To think with the click of a button this person can theoretically be 'gone' from your life, I don't even, I just, I don't know if I fully understand it. 


Today I deleted the songs that reminded me of him. I deleted the movies he told me to watch, and thanked myself for the movies I never showed him, because if he had ruined those too I'd be rather upset. 
I almost deleted him from my social media sites. I don't know what I'm even thinking. Every time I pick up my phone and see a message I literally cannot stop myself from thinking if it's from him. It's getting better though -I'm becoming more aware. It was getting to a point before though, when I didn't even want to pick up my phone or look at it because as soon as I went into my contacts I'd be reminded of you. It's getting better, I'd like to think.
I tried to delete his pictures.
No I didn't. I wanted to delete the pictures though.
No I didn't.... I don't actually know what I want right now.
Yes I do... I want him to apologize for ... for nothing, I guess.
He doesn't answer a few texts and I care more about him than he does me. 
That's what I'm actually upset about. It seems silly when I put it out there. 
Oh well, I don't care.
I've been thinking about him less, that's good. I always feel better when I'm not drowning myself in daydreams involving him in any way.
I'm so weird... I'm hurting my brain thinking about this.
I think I'll go delete some of those pictures now.

My First Real Letter

You sent me my first 'real letter'... you did it unexpectedly a few summer's back. It meant the world to me. I remember that summer how I would always play the same song as I re-read it over and over again. It would make me smile. It would make me cry. Ultimately, it made me miss you.
I've had it stored away ever since you sent it to me. I've kept it hidden in my closet in my box of other treasures I'll always cherish. This box I keep hidden is the one thing I will be sure I run into my house to grab if it goes up in flames.
I think you wrote the letter to me when you loved me more than I loved you. Which until now seemed insane.. I never could have imagined another person loving me more than I loved them, until now. Dear Lord I dream of our late night chats and the sincere words you would speak to me that held a deeper meaning that I'd ever truly understand... how I long for just one more of those nights.
That my friends, is my feeling of nostalgia. Or so I'd like to think.

Well, I'm about to read the letter now.
And for the past few weeks I've had an overwhelming need to cry.
I can't explain it, I don't know why. Perhaps it's hormones, that's what I keep telling myself because it's easiest that way.
I know that once I read the letter I'll be hurting myself more than helping, but it's funny how much I miss you right now, and how I feel like I'd do anything to feel just a little bit closer....
I know it won't ever be like 2010, but I just want that feeling of caring back. That feeling where I was honestly ready to give you my heart if yours stopped working, I'm serious. I cared for you more than love. I put up with things I didn't like about you because you sure weren't perfect, but neither am I, and I wasn't back then either. You turned me into a different person, so I thank you for that. I'll always look back to those times when you made me smile.
And I know this is random, but this moment sticks out the most when I think back to our chats together. I will never forget those couple weeks when you were really sick and coughing and bleeding blood everywhere. You didn't want me to tell anybody so I promised I wouldn't. I never break my promises... except this one time, maybe. Anyways, it honestly killed me not to go grab the phone and call your parents. I didn't care it was 3 am on a school night, I wanted them to know and go take care of you. I couldn't, so I needed somebody else to be there for you and hug you and kiss you and comfort you when you needed it most. I don't know if I regret not calling, I just cared that you told me it finally stopped. I was so happy for  you.
Well, I guess you're one of those guys... that will always have a spot in my heart. Never will I forget you or the talks we had; your pure honesty and the way you could make me smile just by saying hello. I don't want this to be the end, but I feel as though our flame is beginning to flicker into a dim light that I have to squint to be able to see.
Somebody please bring us some gasoline and ignite this fire once again. 

Men.

What is it ? 
The first boy I think I ever loved.. He was single when we met. A year later he got a girlfriend though. I knew it would last longer than a few weeks and I was right, it did, it lasted all of almost a year.
I couldn't help but have this intense feeling of jealousy. Not of her, but the fact that she got to hold him, kiss him, and see him, instead of me. I wanted his feelings of love given to me and nobody else. I thought these feelings of jealousy were brought on due to an overwhelming emotion of love I held for him, but now I'm not sure. Now I don't know. 
You see, my fairy-tale Romeo at the time being is in a relationship. When I first met him a year ago he was single and I was free to flirt with him as much as I wanted non guiltily. Now he has a girlfriend though and I feel a bit bad for flirting. I can't exactly control it though ...
Anyways, when I first found out he got a girlfriend , unlike my 'first love', I wasn't jealous of him, or her for that matter. Weird thing is I was actually happy for him; genuine happiness. I realized that if I couldn't make him smile or satisfy him at the time being, that at least another girl could. I wasn't used to not being jealous of another girl. Now I was though, I wasn't jealous at all. I'm still happy for him and it's weirding me out. I feel like I should be jealous but it's just not in me. I'll admit it's very odd being happy for someone like this, when in the past I've only felt heart broken, jealous, sad and the angered. 
So is this love? This true feeling of happiness towards another, genuine happiness because they're happy now? Or does my jealousy show I care and truly love them?
It's hard to decipher these feelings because as I'm getting older I'm changing and so are my opinions. Maybe my feelings of jealousy from before were love and now that I'm a couple years older this feeling of happiness is love. 
Alright, I'm done analyzing myself over things that won't be a big deal in a few years. 

Cia Nora. 

3 Weeks Later...

I don't know if I have it in me to love him anymore. I will always care for him but caring is hard. I always love the other more than they love me and it's starting to annoy me. Why should he not be treating me with the same respect and equality I give him? Oh wait, he should be. 

I'm starting to see the cynical and realistic side of this situation... Within the next year I guarantee I will have lost contact with him almost all together. I won't see him and we won't so much as text a "Hey, how have you been? Long time no talk."

What I do know is that after I stop talking to him for a week or two he will message me. I don't like this anymore because I just need time to think. He's on my mind so much that I feel like I'm crazy. I try keeping myself busy with the silliest of small tasks just to occupy my mind, but he always flutters back in, even when the gates are locked. And just as I'm beginning to feel better and forget about him he brings himself to my attention. Just as hearing his name or being reminded of him doesn't leave a sharp pain in my heart, he comes to my attention and I fall back down the whole and my heart begins to ache once again. 

And it's so silly. Really. Silly how I feel that... well I know that if I lose him that I'll be losing part of me too because of how much I've cared for him. It's funny how you don't have to see some every day or talk to them to still be able to love and care for them. And not necessarily an "I'm so in love with you, let's go get married and have children next year!" type of love, but an "I truly care for you and your feelings. I think of your well being and believe you deserve only the best. I see your good and bad but I will always take you for who you are." type of love... That love is deeper than any kind of love, the human-being-compassion-love. 

I don't want him to feel that way about me. I want him to feel however he wants to about me. I don't expect love in return from him, just respect. And that is truly love in my opinion; giving but not expecting. When you expect it's more of an investment, and I am not investing in your love. Sorry. So to my fairy tale Romeo, I'll become less attached because sooner or later I'm going to have to face reality, and the reality is that pulling off a band-aid quickly hurts a lot less than a slow and relentless tug.

Farewell. 

My Willow Tree

Another piece of my poetry I found that I wish not to lose.

Sometimes at night when you're all alone, 

In the eerie and darkness of your home. 

You seek solitude in the ink of your pen,

And you pray to god it never happens again.




Your emotions take over control and you shed a tear or two,

To think it happened forever ago but the pain still feels new.

You close your eyes for just a second and you try to drift away,

But sleeping becomes impossible because you can't stop thinking of that day. 




Pain surges through your body as you choke the memories back,

Its and honest to god feeling of your life being under attack.

And it gets harder to hold the memories back even if it happened forever ago,

Because it continues to affect your everyday life and follows you everywhere that you go. 




Just the thought that the demons could over-take his soul,

Or that when she cut with the knife she had no control. 

To know she's disabled but know not what to do,

To think that thing could've ended a life on you.




To know he was abused but not know what to say,

To think he lost his father,within a single day. 

To raise another all alone &lose the one who gave him air,

While she lived the perfect life; simply isn't fair.




Knowing that angelic,sweet little girl who was oh too early robbed of her childhood,

And that girl who covers her bruises with cloth; heaven knows shed leave if only she could. 




The closet that boys hiding in because he's too afraid to speak,

The fear that penetrates his bones;making him feel weak. 

To think if you had kept in touch they wouldn't have moved away,

To know if you had spoken up,he'd still be here today.




Having to live knowing sometimes there's nothing you can do,

Live praying for the best and hope that in time things pull through. 

Remembering when they left and the final time you said goodbye,

Seeing her face for the last time and being too afraid to cry. 




Moving from house to house whilst being left in the dark,

To experience fatality leaving its mark.

And even though people say that when you've been given enough time,

All the emotions that have been running through your mind




Will slowly begin to numb down and surely disappear,

Oh boy, they're wrong, they always stay near...

Masquerade

I found another poem.. hmm..

Your hair is quite a mess,
As is the way you dress

Eye liner on your eyes,
Guess it's part of your disguise. 

Cover up your bones. 
Quickly change your skin tone,

And you won't leave 
Until it's complete. 

Because every day with you is like putting on a show. 
Dress yourself up for those you don't know. 
Bottled up your feelings and threw them in the sea, 
I can no longer tell if you're happy to see me. 

So I just want to let go and leave your masquerade. 
It's not that I no longer love you, it's that I am afraid. 

You are already gone so now it's my time to leave. 
I'll try to move on without the air I breathe. 

Cause I'm so tired of your games,
We both know I could never win. 

Even when the prize is a life I need,
We both know I won't succeed. 

Cause you are just too good, 
At bearing a heart made of stone. 

Though full of insincerity 
Your eyes they speak truth to me. 

They scream for you while your mouth lays still, 
Strong and stable from good will 
And frozen from your swallowed pills. 

Your body trembles; frozen as stone,
It's killing me leaving you alone. 

Blood coats your shaking arms,
This is where you fall apart. 

Here I see who you are and who you used to be. 
Here is when you open yourself up to me. 

A Little of This

I feel as though I haven't posted in forever. My computer hasn't been working. I didn't realize how much I depend on internet and it's kind of sad. But then I thought that I mostly use it to write, so what's really sad is that I didn't have it. That's my crazy logic.

Anyways, I found this old poem I wrote and I wanted to make sure I'd have it somewhere so I could delete it from my phone. 

Here it goes...

I never thought that I would leave you,

But I just might end up having to,

Cause the way you treat me isn't right

I deserve more than what you're giving me,

It's too bad that you never could see

I am the best thing in your life.

And you left without an explanation,

To an unknown destination,

In the hopes that I'd pursue.

So grind your teeth and pull your hair,

I hope you know I just don't care.

No way in hell am I chasing you.

Run until you cannot breathe,

Drop to the ground on your knees.

Feel a loss of strength I stole,

Darkness now entraps your soul.

You thought you could run away from me,

A broken heart is now your fee,

And I'm hoping that I'm now your fear.   

I hope you learned that you cannot hurt me,

And walk away from it scott free.
There will always be a price

Every time you break my heart. 

Beauty In Imperfections?

Has there ever been anything about yourself that you didn't like, but as you aged and time took its toll you began to actually like? 
Why is that? Is it because we've finally found beauty in a place we've never looked for it ? Is it because all along it was actually beautiful? 
As nice as those sound I don't completely agree with them. I'm not saying they're wrong, they're quite probable. What I'm saying is I think there's a different reason as to how we come across 'finding beauty in our imperfections'. 
Here's what I think...
I believe that we never actually find beauty in the thing/s we hate/d about ourselves. I think that over time we begin to accept our imperfections. When you begin to accept things that you once saw as oh so horrible, it's not that you like it, I in fact become neutral about it -neither do I love it nor hate it anymore. 
I think that as we're ageing our opinions, priorities, and ultimately who we are, changes. People are smart enough to know that if 'that' horrible thing isn't going to disappear within a reasonable amount of time, they begin to deal with it in whatever way they can. The way they deal with it is usually positively, because who would want to, let's say, wake up every morning knowing they've got crooked teeth and be upset about it and maybe even a bit surprised that they hadn't straightened themselves out over night ? NOBODY. 
Instead the person would probably begin to not even take into account that their teeth are crooked and their eyes or mind would bring a different problem or something they like about themselves to their attention. 
That's just my opinion. I don't completely disagree with my first couple examples, it's just that the idea of people accepting their 'flaws' due to the role time plays in your life seems a lot more probable. To me personally, it just makes more sense. :) 

The Twilight Zone.

"You have officially entered the twilight zone!"
The speakers pounded with every word the deep voiced man spoke.
The PA system shut off making an echoed noise, it made my ears ring.
So there I stood, alone in the middle of a secluded area, in the middle of nowhere.
Not a person in sight or a building for miles -just myself, an open road and my own two legs. Where they were about to take me I had no idea, but for some reason I felt comfortable.

Somehow, not too long ago, I entered the twilight zone. The area where good and bad had a murky line drawn between them. Something about this area made me feel calm, and is still making me feel calm.

I'm at this point in my life right now where things just seem easy.
They really aren't... I've got friends and family I should be worrying about, grades that aren't at their best and so much charity work to keep up with.
But for some reason it's one of those moments where I've put everything aside and just kind of stopped and now I'm smelling the roses.
Quite delightful. They smell absolutely divine.
I just want to stay in this state of appreciation and relaxtion for .. well , forever! Could I please?
It's as if for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace with not just the world, but with myself. 
I wish everyone I knew could experience this. It's as if I've drained all the negativity from my body. From writing, talking to people, baking and making art. I'm trusting fate and myself to make the future the best it can be, while not stressing about it. It's just so incredibly amazing.
Religion is a tricky subject, but right now, I feel like I should be thanking God.
Thank you God, and thank you world ♥ -you are quite a beautiful place.

I Miss You, But Do I Want To...?

I hear Fountains of Wayne come on and within seconds tears have welled up in my eyes. 

I didn't realize until then how much I had missed you. 

But it was a lot. A lot more than I had wanted to miss you. 

Is this what it feels like to be dumped?

I feel broken but I still want you. All the little shattered pieces no longer fit together, but they still all manage to somehow love you with all they have left. I don't tell them to, they just do because it feels right.

You're distant and cold now. I hate whatever happened to you. I miss the old you and me. I miss the old us. 

I don't want to be crying. I want to say you weren't worth it, but you are. You were always there for me. You held nothing back from me. I literally told you everything. I got mad at you for stupid things and you always forgave me. You insulted everything I loved, but I still managed to see your brutal honesty as a good thing. 

We would joke about visiting, but it never happened. To be honest, our nightly chats and dreams of summer love were what kept me going on some of my darkest days, because 'even pretty girls cry at night'. 

It's so hard to try and understand why you're gone. It's even harder to try and accept it. You've left such an imprint in me and no amount of Mr.Clean could ever wipe it away. 

Shivers run down my spine as I rethink our memories from our very first meet. I'm trying to visualize what should have been my first sign...

But because my mind is so wrapped up in a perfect image of what I thought you were, and not who you really were, it's too hard. 

I'm selfish.. I want you to be the guy I remember you being. I was also naive, and still am. I want you to be the one I thought you would always be. 

I just want my 'normal' back. I want you back more than I thought I would. 

I don't waste time on people who aren't worth it. You're acting strange but I still think you're worth it. Now I need to figure out what I'm fighting for and why. I've got so many feelings that could explain it, if I could only get them straightened out and arranged together neatly on a few pages. 

Feeling Conflicted

2 posts in one day! Sheesh, for a birthday girl I've got a lot of worry on my mind! I do not like it at all!
Well... confliction. Confliction has decided to drop in on me these past couple weeks and stay. Go away! I hate you! Or do I? Maybe it's a good thing...
I'm getting ahead of myself.
So you were and are the boy I thought and think I actually love. You are the only one I've put faith into that I could have a good relationship with that went past friendship. We had something. It only seems to work when you play though. Lately you don't feel like swinging at my throws though. And how can you play baseball with one person?
You can't.
You don't answer my texts, my messages, I post things for you to read which I know you see, I know. Today of all days you don't wish me a happy birthday? Well that hurts...
This blows my stress over my morals out of the water. If you can't take a second to wish me a happy birthday then what about me is important to you anymore? Have I hurt you somehow? I try so hard to be oh so nice to everyone...especially you. Except with you I didn't have to try, it just came like it does with people I really care about.
Do you not care about me anymore then? That can't be it.
You sent me that letter. A full paged letter, hand-written.
This is so corny, but every time I hear 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry I think of the letter and I think of you.
You used to randomly text me and it was always sweet and unsuspected.
Before that though, for almost three years straight we'd talk every single night, or every second. I didn't have a phone then so we would go on MSN. I feel weird going on now because I only ever went on to talk to you. And it never mattered whether or not you were single, you'd keep me in your life. I loved you for that.
But now I feel like I'm being pushed out of your life and it's hurting me more than I thought it would. I want to say you'll be the one missing out, but I know I'm missing out too, because  you are a good person. You know so much about me. I care about you so much, it's ridiculous.. You're probably the first guy I actually think I would use the word 'love' with and mean it seriously. (Or not seriously, but when saying it jokingly we both knew it held truth to it.. don't try denying it, I won't.) How crazy is that? How do I know what love is, I'm just a teenager?
Well, when I talk to him I get this overwhelming sensation running through my body. I'm so happy and I wait eagerly for your every word. I over analyzed them all and kept past conversations in mind to re-tell myself on rainy days. I took an interest in you without any effort. I just wanted to know about you. It wasn't ever a strain to find things to talk about. You were that guy that would totally disagree with me and mock all of the things I loved. Why did I enjoy that so much?
Maybe it was because you were so bluntly honest. I liked it because so many see me as this polite young lady who's feelings are so delicate that you dare not say anything that may hurt her feelings. People would say things that they thought kept me happy because they didn't want to be mean. It's quite nice actually, that people would care so much to do that. I did love that he was so honest though, probably because like I said, most people weren't so (bluntly honest).
Well I miss those days. I don't like change. You didn't like it either.. which is another reason why I'm so surprised you're backing off.
All I can hope is that it's not intentional. Maybe you're too busy for me.
TOO BUSY FOR ME? Geez... alright. Everyone in the world gets busy, but if you want to do something then you freaking do it. The sad truth is that if he'd wanted to talk to me or wish me a happy birthday, he could have figured out a way to do it already.
Does this mean I have to be ready to say goodbye?
I hate losing people I love.
The worst is when you lose people you love that are still alive... every time you're forced to seeing them or speaking to them, part of you aches for past memories. At least that's how I feel.
Time is going by too quickly.

Morals

What are morals?...
(Right from Google!) : A person's standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.


So I think I just 'disgraced' my own morals; did them wrong...
Have you ever done something that went against everything you believed? How did you feel after? Did it have a lasting effect on you?
I just did something that if you'd asked me a month or two ago, I would've laughed and said "I would never do that! I'm better than that." Today I found myself doing that though. 
It's not something horrible that is going to ruin my life, it's just sad that my views on things have changed.
I feel like what I did should be wrong, but for some reason it's like I'm kind of okay with it. Ughhh.. I fluster myself.

I feel like I need another me giving me a stern look and pointing a finger saying, "You knew better than that! What were you thinking?"  To which I would obviously reply, "I wasn't thinking. I was just, doing."

That's weird for me. To just do something without thinking first. It's not even like me. Which is weird because today is my birthday. Every year I think 'It's my birthday and because I'm one year older I'm a 'new/different' me.' Which I never believe. I believe that I become a new person by experiencing new things and dealing with different situations. Things like making the decision I made today is something that will change me. I hope for the better, although I'm not completely sure, which can never be a good sign! 

All I'm hoping is that it was one of those mistakes that were 'good mistakes'. ie. mistakes that weren't too harmful but will teach me a valuable life lesson. I feel like if I don't learn from it I'll make the same mistake again, except it won't be a mistake because I'll be doing it on purpose. For what purpose? I honestly have NO idea...

I'm beginning to ramble. I need a good night's sleep to straighten out my thoughts. A good nights sleep always helps anything! :)

Not a Boy, but not yet a Man.

Well that was fast.
Gone from me; taken right from my hands, pried from my shaking fingers.
How strange.
Complaining about her... always. I hear nothing positive, ever. Except that she intrigues you.
Good for her, she's intriguing. So are jokes, doors marked 'do not enter' and secrets. They are all intriguing but you don't base a relationship upon that solemely.
I think you're crazy.
One night telling me all these things that sent butterflies throughout my stomach.
The next, stealing all my butterflies, replacing them with squirmy, crawling catterpillars.
Congrats.
All you've wanted this past year was a relationship with a girl; a girlfriend.
But why oh why?!
The idea, it consumed you. It consumed every part of you.
That is what drove me crazy. The fact that you weren't happy with your life the way it was.
Complaining about how it wasn't enough. I will never understand how you can't appreciate what's right in front of you. It's such a simple concept, yet it appears to baffle you mindlessly.
Ugh, these crazy teen years.
I want to say I'm happy for you. I might not mean it, but I'll say it anyways.
I'm happy for you.
You got a relationship with a girl, it's what you wanted. I hope you didn't just do it for the sake of being 'taken' in high school. That's sad..
I know it's true though.
I hope she makes you happy. That, I can say honestly. You deserve happiness; you seem to have trouble finding it.
So how long's this going to last?
Not the relationship, my dear. How long will I be telling you my congratulations and giving you more advice?
Surely a month will feel like a couple dozen to me.
Soon enough though, I will be telling you how I'm sorry your ride has come to an end.
Then, and only then, will I truly feel the need to say my congratulations.
Congratulations! -You didn't actually like her, you were using her to fill that void of loneliness and cave into the pressure of teen relationships... Yes, congratulations on realizing you were stupid.
Congratulations on trying to make a 'wrong', 'right'.
Is my tone sour? Perhaps...
When it's done will I have the urge to say, "Thank God that's over" , or , "I told you so".
Of course. But I won't. I'm better than that.
In the time being, I know you will change.
I hate change. It's scary and leaves me feeling insecure.
I know time and change will take advantage of you. It's going to change you.
I may be horrible for saying this, yet perhaps it's normal, but I hope she ends it.
Or do I?
If she ends it you will be the one still feeling for her, mourning.
If you end it you may regret what you did and go crawling back to her for a second chance.
If you crawl back to her I will honestly vomit...
So now I've got a letter with your name and address on it.
It's all ready to go except for the stamp.
I wrote you a lovely letter, really. I spent lots of time on it. I put lots of thought into it.
Suddenly I don't want to send it though.
This is slowly crushing my heart.
I want you to read the words of kindess I inscripted onto each page, but I wanted the you from two weeks ago to read it. Not the you in two weeks.
I think I'll still send it. Maybe...
And what hurts most of all, is that I'd thought I was over you.
Apparently I'm not.
It's sad because I tried oh so hard to treat you as a friend, not a lover.
You could tell something was up the day I started thinking about you less.
I didn't like that. I don't like people knowing how I'm feeling without me saying a word.
It was my actions that set him off I guess.
Many chats turned to very little.
Words I spoke to you held less meaning. We both understood that.
A normal conversation. We had many lately. One's where someone would want to jump in and join; fun ones.
You wanted to be loved by someone. You wanted to feel needed.
You were needed by me. When I stopped needing you as much though, you didn't like it.
Honestly, I didn't like it either. But it just happened. One day I just realized that I was thinking about you less. I didn't have the urge to talk to you every day. Maybe once a week - if even.
And it's sad, because I've gotten to know you so well.
You have a good heart and you are a good listener.
So sad.
This is going to lessen once again, now that you've got her in your life.
I don't hate her. I don't even dislike her.
To be honest, it's you I'm upset with. She's done nothing at all; I would probably even like her.
It's not that I'm mad at you, I'm just confused by you.
A conundrum is what you are.
Well, when it's over you won't be the same. Maybe you'll be a conundrum I'll have a solution to.
Maybe even understand it. I won't hope too much for it though.
You may be with her for a year. You may be with her until we graduate.
Boy, that's a long time. Think it'll be long for you?
Wrong.
It's going to be heller long for me. I can already feel it...
I won't let myself get too wrapped in this though.
I'm going to mask myself and tell you I'm happy for you.
I've decided you're going to believe me, even if I have to make myself believe it.
When it's over I'll be there for you, pretending I had no idea it would end, and that you two seemed perfect for each other.
You're going to believe me once again.
I'll tell you your future looks bright and you're better off. I'll tell you that high school love doesn't usually flourish, especially when you've built the relationship on a single stone. Sure they can add up, but that was not what you intended to do in the first place -you only needed one stone. It was good enough for you, your purposes.
But one stone will only last so long..
I'll tell you I'm there for you. I care about you and love you...
Somehow I don't think I'll have trouble making either of us believe that.
But if I tell you I'm okay, and I'm doing just fine.
It's probably the biggest lie of them all.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

You know that mirror that you look at yourself in everyday? -That mirror that tells you you're not good enough.

You're not smart enough, you're not strong enough, you're not skinny enough; you're too thin, you're not talented enough, you're not tall enough; you're too tall, you're not pretty enough, you're not funny enough, you're not patient enough, you're not grateful enough, your boobs aren't big enough, your stomach's not flat enough, you're not charismatic enough, your eyes are too small; your eyes are too big, your hair's not straight enough, your nose is too big; your nose is too small, and ultimately, you are not good enough. 

Yes, that mirror. 
That is the mirror I want to smash into a million tiny pieces and throw into space, because we don't need it on Earth. 

You are perfect just the way you are. 
Don't let the mirror decide for you.