Men.

What is it ? 
The first boy I think I ever loved.. He was single when we met. A year later he got a girlfriend though. I knew it would last longer than a few weeks and I was right, it did, it lasted all of almost a year.
I couldn't help but have this intense feeling of jealousy. Not of her, but the fact that she got to hold him, kiss him, and see him, instead of me. I wanted his feelings of love given to me and nobody else. I thought these feelings of jealousy were brought on due to an overwhelming emotion of love I held for him, but now I'm not sure. Now I don't know. 
You see, my fairy-tale Romeo at the time being is in a relationship. When I first met him a year ago he was single and I was free to flirt with him as much as I wanted non guiltily. Now he has a girlfriend though and I feel a bit bad for flirting. I can't exactly control it though ...
Anyways, when I first found out he got a girlfriend , unlike my 'first love', I wasn't jealous of him, or her for that matter. Weird thing is I was actually happy for him; genuine happiness. I realized that if I couldn't make him smile or satisfy him at the time being, that at least another girl could. I wasn't used to not being jealous of another girl. Now I was though, I wasn't jealous at all. I'm still happy for him and it's weirding me out. I feel like I should be jealous but it's just not in me. I'll admit it's very odd being happy for someone like this, when in the past I've only felt heart broken, jealous, sad and the angered. 
So is this love? This true feeling of happiness towards another, genuine happiness because they're happy now? Or does my jealousy show I care and truly love them?
It's hard to decipher these feelings because as I'm getting older I'm changing and so are my opinions. Maybe my feelings of jealousy from before were love and now that I'm a couple years older this feeling of happiness is love. 
Alright, I'm done analyzing myself over things that won't be a big deal in a few years. 

Cia Nora. 

3 Weeks Later...

I don't know if I have it in me to love him anymore. I will always care for him but caring is hard. I always love the other more than they love me and it's starting to annoy me. Why should he not be treating me with the same respect and equality I give him? Oh wait, he should be. 

I'm starting to see the cynical and realistic side of this situation... Within the next year I guarantee I will have lost contact with him almost all together. I won't see him and we won't so much as text a "Hey, how have you been? Long time no talk."

What I do know is that after I stop talking to him for a week or two he will message me. I don't like this anymore because I just need time to think. He's on my mind so much that I feel like I'm crazy. I try keeping myself busy with the silliest of small tasks just to occupy my mind, but he always flutters back in, even when the gates are locked. And just as I'm beginning to feel better and forget about him he brings himself to my attention. Just as hearing his name or being reminded of him doesn't leave a sharp pain in my heart, he comes to my attention and I fall back down the whole and my heart begins to ache once again. 

And it's so silly. Really. Silly how I feel that... well I know that if I lose him that I'll be losing part of me too because of how much I've cared for him. It's funny how you don't have to see some every day or talk to them to still be able to love and care for them. And not necessarily an "I'm so in love with you, let's go get married and have children next year!" type of love, but an "I truly care for you and your feelings. I think of your well being and believe you deserve only the best. I see your good and bad but I will always take you for who you are." type of love... That love is deeper than any kind of love, the human-being-compassion-love. 

I don't want him to feel that way about me. I want him to feel however he wants to about me. I don't expect love in return from him, just respect. And that is truly love in my opinion; giving but not expecting. When you expect it's more of an investment, and I am not investing in your love. Sorry. So to my fairy tale Romeo, I'll become less attached because sooner or later I'm going to have to face reality, and the reality is that pulling off a band-aid quickly hurts a lot less than a slow and relentless tug.

Farewell.