Beauty In Imperfections?

Has there ever been anything about yourself that you didn't like, but as you aged and time took its toll you began to actually like? 
Why is that? Is it because we've finally found beauty in a place we've never looked for it ? Is it because all along it was actually beautiful? 
As nice as those sound I don't completely agree with them. I'm not saying they're wrong, they're quite probable. What I'm saying is I think there's a different reason as to how we come across 'finding beauty in our imperfections'. 
Here's what I think...
I believe that we never actually find beauty in the thing/s we hate/d about ourselves. I think that over time we begin to accept our imperfections. When you begin to accept things that you once saw as oh so horrible, it's not that you like it, I in fact become neutral about it -neither do I love it nor hate it anymore. 
I think that as we're ageing our opinions, priorities, and ultimately who we are, changes. People are smart enough to know that if 'that' horrible thing isn't going to disappear within a reasonable amount of time, they begin to deal with it in whatever way they can. The way they deal with it is usually positively, because who would want to, let's say, wake up every morning knowing they've got crooked teeth and be upset about it and maybe even a bit surprised that they hadn't straightened themselves out over night ? NOBODY. 
Instead the person would probably begin to not even take into account that their teeth are crooked and their eyes or mind would bring a different problem or something they like about themselves to their attention. 
That's just my opinion. I don't completely disagree with my first couple examples, it's just that the idea of people accepting their 'flaws' due to the role time plays in your life seems a lot more probable. To me personally, it just makes more sense. :) 

The Twilight Zone.

"You have officially entered the twilight zone!"
The speakers pounded with every word the deep voiced man spoke.
The PA system shut off making an echoed noise, it made my ears ring.
So there I stood, alone in the middle of a secluded area, in the middle of nowhere.
Not a person in sight or a building for miles -just myself, an open road and my own two legs. Where they were about to take me I had no idea, but for some reason I felt comfortable.

Somehow, not too long ago, I entered the twilight zone. The area where good and bad had a murky line drawn between them. Something about this area made me feel calm, and is still making me feel calm.

I'm at this point in my life right now where things just seem easy.
They really aren't... I've got friends and family I should be worrying about, grades that aren't at their best and so much charity work to keep up with.
But for some reason it's one of those moments where I've put everything aside and just kind of stopped and now I'm smelling the roses.
Quite delightful. They smell absolutely divine.
I just want to stay in this state of appreciation and relaxtion for .. well , forever! Could I please?
It's as if for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace with not just the world, but with myself. 
I wish everyone I knew could experience this. It's as if I've drained all the negativity from my body. From writing, talking to people, baking and making art. I'm trusting fate and myself to make the future the best it can be, while not stressing about it. It's just so incredibly amazing.
Religion is a tricky subject, but right now, I feel like I should be thanking God.
Thank you God, and thank you world ♥ -you are quite a beautiful place.

I Miss You, But Do I Want To...?

I hear Fountains of Wayne come on and within seconds tears have welled up in my eyes. 

I didn't realize until then how much I had missed you. 

But it was a lot. A lot more than I had wanted to miss you. 

Is this what it feels like to be dumped?

I feel broken but I still want you. All the little shattered pieces no longer fit together, but they still all manage to somehow love you with all they have left. I don't tell them to, they just do because it feels right.

You're distant and cold now. I hate whatever happened to you. I miss the old you and me. I miss the old us. 

I don't want to be crying. I want to say you weren't worth it, but you are. You were always there for me. You held nothing back from me. I literally told you everything. I got mad at you for stupid things and you always forgave me. You insulted everything I loved, but I still managed to see your brutal honesty as a good thing. 

We would joke about visiting, but it never happened. To be honest, our nightly chats and dreams of summer love were what kept me going on some of my darkest days, because 'even pretty girls cry at night'. 

It's so hard to try and understand why you're gone. It's even harder to try and accept it. You've left such an imprint in me and no amount of Mr.Clean could ever wipe it away. 

Shivers run down my spine as I rethink our memories from our very first meet. I'm trying to visualize what should have been my first sign...

But because my mind is so wrapped up in a perfect image of what I thought you were, and not who you really were, it's too hard. 

I'm selfish.. I want you to be the guy I remember you being. I was also naive, and still am. I want you to be the one I thought you would always be. 

I just want my 'normal' back. I want you back more than I thought I would. 

I don't waste time on people who aren't worth it. You're acting strange but I still think you're worth it. Now I need to figure out what I'm fighting for and why. I've got so many feelings that could explain it, if I could only get them straightened out and arranged together neatly on a few pages. 

Feeling Conflicted

2 posts in one day! Sheesh, for a birthday girl I've got a lot of worry on my mind! I do not like it at all!
Well... confliction. Confliction has decided to drop in on me these past couple weeks and stay. Go away! I hate you! Or do I? Maybe it's a good thing...
I'm getting ahead of myself.
So you were and are the boy I thought and think I actually love. You are the only one I've put faith into that I could have a good relationship with that went past friendship. We had something. It only seems to work when you play though. Lately you don't feel like swinging at my throws though. And how can you play baseball with one person?
You can't.
You don't answer my texts, my messages, I post things for you to read which I know you see, I know. Today of all days you don't wish me a happy birthday? Well that hurts...
This blows my stress over my morals out of the water. If you can't take a second to wish me a happy birthday then what about me is important to you anymore? Have I hurt you somehow? I try so hard to be oh so nice to everyone...especially you. Except with you I didn't have to try, it just came like it does with people I really care about.
Do you not care about me anymore then? That can't be it.
You sent me that letter. A full paged letter, hand-written.
This is so corny, but every time I hear 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry I think of the letter and I think of you.
You used to randomly text me and it was always sweet and unsuspected.
Before that though, for almost three years straight we'd talk every single night, or every second. I didn't have a phone then so we would go on MSN. I feel weird going on now because I only ever went on to talk to you. And it never mattered whether or not you were single, you'd keep me in your life. I loved you for that.
But now I feel like I'm being pushed out of your life and it's hurting me more than I thought it would. I want to say you'll be the one missing out, but I know I'm missing out too, because  you are a good person. You know so much about me. I care about you so much, it's ridiculous.. You're probably the first guy I actually think I would use the word 'love' with and mean it seriously. (Or not seriously, but when saying it jokingly we both knew it held truth to it.. don't try denying it, I won't.) How crazy is that? How do I know what love is, I'm just a teenager?
Well, when I talk to him I get this overwhelming sensation running through my body. I'm so happy and I wait eagerly for your every word. I over analyzed them all and kept past conversations in mind to re-tell myself on rainy days. I took an interest in you without any effort. I just wanted to know about you. It wasn't ever a strain to find things to talk about. You were that guy that would totally disagree with me and mock all of the things I loved. Why did I enjoy that so much?
Maybe it was because you were so bluntly honest. I liked it because so many see me as this polite young lady who's feelings are so delicate that you dare not say anything that may hurt her feelings. People would say things that they thought kept me happy because they didn't want to be mean. It's quite nice actually, that people would care so much to do that. I did love that he was so honest though, probably because like I said, most people weren't so (bluntly honest).
Well I miss those days. I don't like change. You didn't like it either.. which is another reason why I'm so surprised you're backing off.
All I can hope is that it's not intentional. Maybe you're too busy for me.
TOO BUSY FOR ME? Geez... alright. Everyone in the world gets busy, but if you want to do something then you freaking do it. The sad truth is that if he'd wanted to talk to me or wish me a happy birthday, he could have figured out a way to do it already.
Does this mean I have to be ready to say goodbye?
I hate losing people I love.
The worst is when you lose people you love that are still alive... every time you're forced to seeing them or speaking to them, part of you aches for past memories. At least that's how I feel.
Time is going by too quickly.

Morals

What are morals?...
(Right from Google!) : A person's standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.


So I think I just 'disgraced' my own morals; did them wrong...
Have you ever done something that went against everything you believed? How did you feel after? Did it have a lasting effect on you?
I just did something that if you'd asked me a month or two ago, I would've laughed and said "I would never do that! I'm better than that." Today I found myself doing that though. 
It's not something horrible that is going to ruin my life, it's just sad that my views on things have changed.
I feel like what I did should be wrong, but for some reason it's like I'm kind of okay with it. Ughhh.. I fluster myself.

I feel like I need another me giving me a stern look and pointing a finger saying, "You knew better than that! What were you thinking?"  To which I would obviously reply, "I wasn't thinking. I was just, doing."

That's weird for me. To just do something without thinking first. It's not even like me. Which is weird because today is my birthday. Every year I think 'It's my birthday and because I'm one year older I'm a 'new/different' me.' Which I never believe. I believe that I become a new person by experiencing new things and dealing with different situations. Things like making the decision I made today is something that will change me. I hope for the better, although I'm not completely sure, which can never be a good sign! 

All I'm hoping is that it was one of those mistakes that were 'good mistakes'. ie. mistakes that weren't too harmful but will teach me a valuable life lesson. I feel like if I don't learn from it I'll make the same mistake again, except it won't be a mistake because I'll be doing it on purpose. For what purpose? I honestly have NO idea...

I'm beginning to ramble. I need a good night's sleep to straighten out my thoughts. A good nights sleep always helps anything! :)

Not a Boy, but not yet a Man.

Well that was fast.
Gone from me; taken right from my hands, pried from my shaking fingers.
How strange.
Complaining about her... always. I hear nothing positive, ever. Except that she intrigues you.
Good for her, she's intriguing. So are jokes, doors marked 'do not enter' and secrets. They are all intriguing but you don't base a relationship upon that solemely.
I think you're crazy.
One night telling me all these things that sent butterflies throughout my stomach.
The next, stealing all my butterflies, replacing them with squirmy, crawling catterpillars.
Congrats.
All you've wanted this past year was a relationship with a girl; a girlfriend.
But why oh why?!
The idea, it consumed you. It consumed every part of you.
That is what drove me crazy. The fact that you weren't happy with your life the way it was.
Complaining about how it wasn't enough. I will never understand how you can't appreciate what's right in front of you. It's such a simple concept, yet it appears to baffle you mindlessly.
Ugh, these crazy teen years.
I want to say I'm happy for you. I might not mean it, but I'll say it anyways.
I'm happy for you.
You got a relationship with a girl, it's what you wanted. I hope you didn't just do it for the sake of being 'taken' in high school. That's sad..
I know it's true though.
I hope she makes you happy. That, I can say honestly. You deserve happiness; you seem to have trouble finding it.
So how long's this going to last?
Not the relationship, my dear. How long will I be telling you my congratulations and giving you more advice?
Surely a month will feel like a couple dozen to me.
Soon enough though, I will be telling you how I'm sorry your ride has come to an end.
Then, and only then, will I truly feel the need to say my congratulations.
Congratulations! -You didn't actually like her, you were using her to fill that void of loneliness and cave into the pressure of teen relationships... Yes, congratulations on realizing you were stupid.
Congratulations on trying to make a 'wrong', 'right'.
Is my tone sour? Perhaps...
When it's done will I have the urge to say, "Thank God that's over" , or , "I told you so".
Of course. But I won't. I'm better than that.
In the time being, I know you will change.
I hate change. It's scary and leaves me feeling insecure.
I know time and change will take advantage of you. It's going to change you.
I may be horrible for saying this, yet perhaps it's normal, but I hope she ends it.
Or do I?
If she ends it you will be the one still feeling for her, mourning.
If you end it you may regret what you did and go crawling back to her for a second chance.
If you crawl back to her I will honestly vomit...
So now I've got a letter with your name and address on it.
It's all ready to go except for the stamp.
I wrote you a lovely letter, really. I spent lots of time on it. I put lots of thought into it.
Suddenly I don't want to send it though.
This is slowly crushing my heart.
I want you to read the words of kindess I inscripted onto each page, but I wanted the you from two weeks ago to read it. Not the you in two weeks.
I think I'll still send it. Maybe...
And what hurts most of all, is that I'd thought I was over you.
Apparently I'm not.
It's sad because I tried oh so hard to treat you as a friend, not a lover.
You could tell something was up the day I started thinking about you less.
I didn't like that. I don't like people knowing how I'm feeling without me saying a word.
It was my actions that set him off I guess.
Many chats turned to very little.
Words I spoke to you held less meaning. We both understood that.
A normal conversation. We had many lately. One's where someone would want to jump in and join; fun ones.
You wanted to be loved by someone. You wanted to feel needed.
You were needed by me. When I stopped needing you as much though, you didn't like it.
Honestly, I didn't like it either. But it just happened. One day I just realized that I was thinking about you less. I didn't have the urge to talk to you every day. Maybe once a week - if even.
And it's sad, because I've gotten to know you so well.
You have a good heart and you are a good listener.
So sad.
This is going to lessen once again, now that you've got her in your life.
I don't hate her. I don't even dislike her.
To be honest, it's you I'm upset with. She's done nothing at all; I would probably even like her.
It's not that I'm mad at you, I'm just confused by you.
A conundrum is what you are.
Well, when it's over you won't be the same. Maybe you'll be a conundrum I'll have a solution to.
Maybe even understand it. I won't hope too much for it though.
You may be with her for a year. You may be with her until we graduate.
Boy, that's a long time. Think it'll be long for you?
Wrong.
It's going to be heller long for me. I can already feel it...
I won't let myself get too wrapped in this though.
I'm going to mask myself and tell you I'm happy for you.
I've decided you're going to believe me, even if I have to make myself believe it.
When it's over I'll be there for you, pretending I had no idea it would end, and that you two seemed perfect for each other.
You're going to believe me once again.
I'll tell you your future looks bright and you're better off. I'll tell you that high school love doesn't usually flourish, especially when you've built the relationship on a single stone. Sure they can add up, but that was not what you intended to do in the first place -you only needed one stone. It was good enough for you, your purposes.
But one stone will only last so long..
I'll tell you I'm there for you. I care about you and love you...
Somehow I don't think I'll have trouble making either of us believe that.
But if I tell you I'm okay, and I'm doing just fine.
It's probably the biggest lie of them all.