I met a genius

I found this poem the other day.

At first I didn't understand it and didn't care for it.

Then I read it again, again, and again.

I understand it now.

I think the little boy is able to see the ugly in something that everybody else believed was beautiful. Why does everybody believe the ocean is beautiful? Mostly because others have pre-determined that the ocean is beautiful. This boy though, he has decided to judge it for himself, without letting his opinion be infected by any others. 

I absolutely love it.

Popularity In School

Today I went on facebook to see some pictures uploaded from a guy who used to go to my school. He graduated a couple years ago and no disrespect to him but his act is clearly not together.
His priorities at the moment seem to be drinking, partying and girls.
He uploads pictures and receives little to no feedback, and when he does, it is typically negative.
He uploaded a picture most recently with some cheesy saying like "YOLO" or some other teen slang term that I absolutely cannot stand. He's drinking and has a huge goofy smile on his face; clearly not sober. He's posed trying to look godly or something, I do not know. It didn't turn out well.
I promise I'm not trying to judge, I just want this point across so the picture is clear.
Well, back when he was a senior in high school he was pretty much top dog. Everybody loved him and even though he wasn't the slimmest or best looking guy, he still got a lot of girls, because of his humor.
It made me wonder what his future held for him. Surely once he made it to university or college things would stay the same and he would still be popular and everyone would love him.
Turns out I was oh so wrong. Once you finish high school you pretty much get a clean slate. This I can look forward to. I'm pretty much going through high school being myself. I'm not trying to be popular, or be the prettiest or smartest, I'm just doing me. I love it.
It's kind of a relief knowing that I haven't been building up some fake facade to impress everybody in the hopes that it would live on my entire life. As though the teenage girls in my grade who are 'popular' have done everything for nothing.
Oh, not nothing, I mean lots of under age drinking, fish faced photographs, and late night mistakes... I promise I'm not trying to judge, although it's kind of hard seeing as it's in our nature.
Well, they can live their last year of school however they please because I'm going to do me and nobody else.
I was born an original, I'm not going to die a copy.

Ramble

Please forgive this post... I'm literally thinking words and just throwing them onto the screen without looking back.


It's funny. Technology today.
It sounds so absurd to just be able to say "I'm deleting it".
Delete. What even is the real meaning behind it?
So I'll delete a picture and it will be gone forever, okay.
Deleting a person is different though. To just be able to say "I'm deleting him" is crazy to me. To think with the click of a button this person can theoretically be 'gone' from your life, I don't even, I just, I don't know if I fully understand it. 


Today I deleted the songs that reminded me of him. I deleted the movies he told me to watch, and thanked myself for the movies I never showed him, because if he had ruined those too I'd be rather upset. 
I almost deleted him from my social media sites. I don't know what I'm even thinking. Every time I pick up my phone and see a message I literally cannot stop myself from thinking if it's from him. It's getting better though -I'm becoming more aware. It was getting to a point before though, when I didn't even want to pick up my phone or look at it because as soon as I went into my contacts I'd be reminded of you. It's getting better, I'd like to think.
I tried to delete his pictures.
No I didn't. I wanted to delete the pictures though.
No I didn't.... I don't actually know what I want right now.
Yes I do... I want him to apologize for ... for nothing, I guess.
He doesn't answer a few texts and I care more about him than he does me. 
That's what I'm actually upset about. It seems silly when I put it out there. 
Oh well, I don't care.
I've been thinking about him less, that's good. I always feel better when I'm not drowning myself in daydreams involving him in any way.
I'm so weird... I'm hurting my brain thinking about this.
I think I'll go delete some of those pictures now.

My First Real Letter

You sent me my first 'real letter'... you did it unexpectedly a few summer's back. It meant the world to me. I remember that summer how I would always play the same song as I re-read it over and over again. It would make me smile. It would make me cry. Ultimately, it made me miss you.
I've had it stored away ever since you sent it to me. I've kept it hidden in my closet in my box of other treasures I'll always cherish. This box I keep hidden is the one thing I will be sure I run into my house to grab if it goes up in flames.
I think you wrote the letter to me when you loved me more than I loved you. Which until now seemed insane.. I never could have imagined another person loving me more than I loved them, until now. Dear Lord I dream of our late night chats and the sincere words you would speak to me that held a deeper meaning that I'd ever truly understand... how I long for just one more of those nights.
That my friends, is my feeling of nostalgia. Or so I'd like to think.

Well, I'm about to read the letter now.
And for the past few weeks I've had an overwhelming need to cry.
I can't explain it, I don't know why. Perhaps it's hormones, that's what I keep telling myself because it's easiest that way.
I know that once I read the letter I'll be hurting myself more than helping, but it's funny how much I miss you right now, and how I feel like I'd do anything to feel just a little bit closer....
I know it won't ever be like 2010, but I just want that feeling of caring back. That feeling where I was honestly ready to give you my heart if yours stopped working, I'm serious. I cared for you more than love. I put up with things I didn't like about you because you sure weren't perfect, but neither am I, and I wasn't back then either. You turned me into a different person, so I thank you for that. I'll always look back to those times when you made me smile.
And I know this is random, but this moment sticks out the most when I think back to our chats together. I will never forget those couple weeks when you were really sick and coughing and bleeding blood everywhere. You didn't want me to tell anybody so I promised I wouldn't. I never break my promises... except this one time, maybe. Anyways, it honestly killed me not to go grab the phone and call your parents. I didn't care it was 3 am on a school night, I wanted them to know and go take care of you. I couldn't, so I needed somebody else to be there for you and hug you and kiss you and comfort you when you needed it most. I don't know if I regret not calling, I just cared that you told me it finally stopped. I was so happy for  you.
Well, I guess you're one of those guys... that will always have a spot in my heart. Never will I forget you or the talks we had; your pure honesty and the way you could make me smile just by saying hello. I don't want this to be the end, but I feel as though our flame is beginning to flicker into a dim light that I have to squint to be able to see.
Somebody please bring us some gasoline and ignite this fire once again. 

Men.

What is it ? 
The first boy I think I ever loved.. He was single when we met. A year later he got a girlfriend though. I knew it would last longer than a few weeks and I was right, it did, it lasted all of almost a year.
I couldn't help but have this intense feeling of jealousy. Not of her, but the fact that she got to hold him, kiss him, and see him, instead of me. I wanted his feelings of love given to me and nobody else. I thought these feelings of jealousy were brought on due to an overwhelming emotion of love I held for him, but now I'm not sure. Now I don't know. 
You see, my fairy-tale Romeo at the time being is in a relationship. When I first met him a year ago he was single and I was free to flirt with him as much as I wanted non guiltily. Now he has a girlfriend though and I feel a bit bad for flirting. I can't exactly control it though ...
Anyways, when I first found out he got a girlfriend , unlike my 'first love', I wasn't jealous of him, or her for that matter. Weird thing is I was actually happy for him; genuine happiness. I realized that if I couldn't make him smile or satisfy him at the time being, that at least another girl could. I wasn't used to not being jealous of another girl. Now I was though, I wasn't jealous at all. I'm still happy for him and it's weirding me out. I feel like I should be jealous but it's just not in me. I'll admit it's very odd being happy for someone like this, when in the past I've only felt heart broken, jealous, sad and the angered. 
So is this love? This true feeling of happiness towards another, genuine happiness because they're happy now? Or does my jealousy show I care and truly love them?
It's hard to decipher these feelings because as I'm getting older I'm changing and so are my opinions. Maybe my feelings of jealousy from before were love and now that I'm a couple years older this feeling of happiness is love. 
Alright, I'm done analyzing myself over things that won't be a big deal in a few years. 

Cia Nora. 

3 Weeks Later...

I don't know if I have it in me to love him anymore. I will always care for him but caring is hard. I always love the other more than they love me and it's starting to annoy me. Why should he not be treating me with the same respect and equality I give him? Oh wait, he should be. 

I'm starting to see the cynical and realistic side of this situation... Within the next year I guarantee I will have lost contact with him almost all together. I won't see him and we won't so much as text a "Hey, how have you been? Long time no talk."

What I do know is that after I stop talking to him for a week or two he will message me. I don't like this anymore because I just need time to think. He's on my mind so much that I feel like I'm crazy. I try keeping myself busy with the silliest of small tasks just to occupy my mind, but he always flutters back in, even when the gates are locked. And just as I'm beginning to feel better and forget about him he brings himself to my attention. Just as hearing his name or being reminded of him doesn't leave a sharp pain in my heart, he comes to my attention and I fall back down the whole and my heart begins to ache once again. 

And it's so silly. Really. Silly how I feel that... well I know that if I lose him that I'll be losing part of me too because of how much I've cared for him. It's funny how you don't have to see some every day or talk to them to still be able to love and care for them. And not necessarily an "I'm so in love with you, let's go get married and have children next year!" type of love, but an "I truly care for you and your feelings. I think of your well being and believe you deserve only the best. I see your good and bad but I will always take you for who you are." type of love... That love is deeper than any kind of love, the human-being-compassion-love. 

I don't want him to feel that way about me. I want him to feel however he wants to about me. I don't expect love in return from him, just respect. And that is truly love in my opinion; giving but not expecting. When you expect it's more of an investment, and I am not investing in your love. Sorry. So to my fairy tale Romeo, I'll become less attached because sooner or later I'm going to have to face reality, and the reality is that pulling off a band-aid quickly hurts a lot less than a slow and relentless tug.

Farewell. 

My Willow Tree

Another piece of my poetry I found that I wish not to lose.

Sometimes at night when you're all alone, 

In the eerie and darkness of your home. 

You seek solitude in the ink of your pen,

And you pray to god it never happens again.




Your emotions take over control and you shed a tear or two,

To think it happened forever ago but the pain still feels new.

You close your eyes for just a second and you try to drift away,

But sleeping becomes impossible because you can't stop thinking of that day. 




Pain surges through your body as you choke the memories back,

Its and honest to god feeling of your life being under attack.

And it gets harder to hold the memories back even if it happened forever ago,

Because it continues to affect your everyday life and follows you everywhere that you go. 




Just the thought that the demons could over-take his soul,

Or that when she cut with the knife she had no control. 

To know she's disabled but know not what to do,

To think that thing could've ended a life on you.




To know he was abused but not know what to say,

To think he lost his father,within a single day. 

To raise another all alone &lose the one who gave him air,

While she lived the perfect life; simply isn't fair.




Knowing that angelic,sweet little girl who was oh too early robbed of her childhood,

And that girl who covers her bruises with cloth; heaven knows shed leave if only she could. 




The closet that boys hiding in because he's too afraid to speak,

The fear that penetrates his bones;making him feel weak. 

To think if you had kept in touch they wouldn't have moved away,

To know if you had spoken up,he'd still be here today.




Having to live knowing sometimes there's nothing you can do,

Live praying for the best and hope that in time things pull through. 

Remembering when they left and the final time you said goodbye,

Seeing her face for the last time and being too afraid to cry. 




Moving from house to house whilst being left in the dark,

To experience fatality leaving its mark.

And even though people say that when you've been given enough time,

All the emotions that have been running through your mind




Will slowly begin to numb down and surely disappear,

Oh boy, they're wrong, they always stay near...

Masquerade

I found another poem.. hmm..

Your hair is quite a mess,
As is the way you dress

Eye liner on your eyes,
Guess it's part of your disguise. 

Cover up your bones. 
Quickly change your skin tone,

And you won't leave 
Until it's complete. 

Because every day with you is like putting on a show. 
Dress yourself up for those you don't know. 
Bottled up your feelings and threw them in the sea, 
I can no longer tell if you're happy to see me. 

So I just want to let go and leave your masquerade. 
It's not that I no longer love you, it's that I am afraid. 

You are already gone so now it's my time to leave. 
I'll try to move on without the air I breathe. 

Cause I'm so tired of your games,
We both know I could never win. 

Even when the prize is a life I need,
We both know I won't succeed. 

Cause you are just too good, 
At bearing a heart made of stone. 

Though full of insincerity 
Your eyes they speak truth to me. 

They scream for you while your mouth lays still, 
Strong and stable from good will 
And frozen from your swallowed pills. 

Your body trembles; frozen as stone,
It's killing me leaving you alone. 

Blood coats your shaking arms,
This is where you fall apart. 

Here I see who you are and who you used to be. 
Here is when you open yourself up to me. 

A Little of This

I feel as though I haven't posted in forever. My computer hasn't been working. I didn't realize how much I depend on internet and it's kind of sad. But then I thought that I mostly use it to write, so what's really sad is that I didn't have it. That's my crazy logic.

Anyways, I found this old poem I wrote and I wanted to make sure I'd have it somewhere so I could delete it from my phone. 

Here it goes...

I never thought that I would leave you,

But I just might end up having to,

Cause the way you treat me isn't right

I deserve more than what you're giving me,

It's too bad that you never could see

I am the best thing in your life.

And you left without an explanation,

To an unknown destination,

In the hopes that I'd pursue.

So grind your teeth and pull your hair,

I hope you know I just don't care.

No way in hell am I chasing you.

Run until you cannot breathe,

Drop to the ground on your knees.

Feel a loss of strength I stole,

Darkness now entraps your soul.

You thought you could run away from me,

A broken heart is now your fee,

And I'm hoping that I'm now your fear.   

I hope you learned that you cannot hurt me,

And walk away from it scott free.
There will always be a price

Every time you break my heart.