Different.

I see your face,
I cry.
I see your face,
I smile..

Why?
Why is that?

You're the only thing in life that makes me drastically sad.
Wow.
Literally nothing else in my life can make me sad like you, and ironically enough, that itself is very sad. So why do I keep you around? Part of me says it's because you can also make me happy like nothing else in my life can; a different way and a different happiness than I've ever known. It's bitter sweet, you know?

Sometimes I think that staying with you is wrong. I can't even look at what I'm writing because it's so honest. If I look away will It go away? I came so far once. Just once; to get over you. And now I'm here again, but it's round 2. So it's the same idea but I've done it before so it's not as hard, essentially though it's still the exact same thing.
I want to love you.

I'm so afraid you'll hurt me again.
I let what the others say affect me. I shouldn't. I try so hard not to let it, but it does.

And why was I ever mad at the cute guy who treated me well? He was annoying, but I was the one who acted ignorantly. I shouldn't be the angry one. I'm sorry... Funny how it took me 2 months to realize it. This is as strong as I am though, I couldn't go further and I'm sorry for that as well.

I don't think I'm where I used to be though. I'm getting better at this.

Pleasure In Pain

There's a weird pleasure in pain, especially heartache. What is it that is so attractive to human beings to love another who doesn't love you back? ...It comes with a pain that is sickly pleasurable.

I believe its driven by desire. You desire this love because it's so unattainable. So then what happens once you attain it? You probably move on and lose interest, right? Ideally; it makes sense to me. Moving on is hard but sometimes staying in a difficult situation is more painful. We know that moving on hurts because it means defeat to some, me included, sometimes... When I move on, or at least try, it's as though I'm giving up on something I had been working so hard on. Even though I had no control over the situation completely, I still take complete responsibility, and why is that? Why do we blame ourselves so often for things we can't control? Is there another pleasure in this pain? Because I have not felt it, I've only felt pain stem from it. And I was wondering if this is just a phase, but I'm pretty sure this is an inner battle that everyone faces, no matter what age, all your life. I mean, that can easily be seen as a bad thing, but it's a part of life that you can't control, you can simply accept it. And maybe that's the good in this whole pleasure in pain situation. Maybe what we take from it all is that we have to stop blaming ourselves for things that turn out negatively, and just accept them as part of life. Hopefully it teaches us that it is possible to obtain pleasure from life without also experiencing pain. We all know that's true, but maybe when we really think about it in this context we can better understand it. On the other hand, maybe it's totally normal to experience pleasure in certain types of pain, and it's an unquestionable part of life. Perhaps there's no lesson to it and it's just part of life, it just is. I don't have the answers, I'm just trying to unbiasedly open my mind to all hypothesis. Because you can never truly know for sure, and you always have to expect the unexpected. 

C'est La Vie

Well hello.
Happy New Year! 2013. I have no idea what this year has in store for me, but I've decided I'm done being lazy right now. Not actually 'lazy', just.. hmm.. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen when I can make them happen.
That's what I am doing tomorrow.
I'm ending this relationship because it's not healthy for me and it's made me mad.
I'm fidgety and moody and the only thing I want to do is punch a punching bag as hard as possible until I literally can't breath. Once I catch my breath I want to cry until I've created a pond. Then I'll take my goldfish out of his tank and let him swim more freely in there.
I almost broke up on the phone but then I didn't think it was a nice enough way.
Tomorrow I'm visiting him in person. I want to make it fast and just pull it off quickly like a band-aid.
I'm really proud of myself to be honest. He was seeing another girl and knew it troubled me but kept doing it until it got to being ridiculous. I'm excited that I'm smart enough not to put up with that BS.
I haven't been to church in about two weeks because I've been sick on and off, but I'm looking forward to returning next week! I spent all day yesterday reading about the bible and God and Jesus. It's hard for me to take it all in but at the same time it's oh so incredible! Plus, the Lord will always put me first and no other man, yet person, will ever love me as much as he does.
Amen.