A Dream So Surreal

I had a dream last night that was so surreal it felt real. Does that make sense?... It is so vividly clear to me. 
I've been remembering a lot of my dreams lately, it's not something that happens often. When I do remember my dreams they're usually themed similarly or scary and I try forgetting them quickly.
This dream was different though. This dream is the exception. 
He was in my dream. 
No, no. He was my dream. He was the entirety of what made my dream memorable. -What made me actually want to remember it for once.

Holding you felt so right. 
Holding you felt so real.
My skin touching yours felt so good; words cannot describe the pleasure it gave me.
Touching you was so satisfying. Like I wouldn't ever need anything else.
Your skin felt soft and right against mine.
Then I woke up. My surreal reality was quickly shattered.
I know these things could not exist.
So why does my mind taunt me?

Waking up was the worst part of my day. Honestly, I don't mind Mondays. Tuesdays are what get me down. Mondays are great; I get to see my friends again, start the week off without homework -it's like a fresh start. Tuesday I'm thinking, "Oh man, four more days!" Don't get me wrong, I really like school and I love learning! Some classes don't challenge me enough though and it aggravates me. I don't like when teachers are too lenient. I need strict rules! Well... I want them. I need structure in my life and it's annoying when some teachers let students walk all over them. This means I am not only ahead of everybody else (in work) by a week or so, but it means I'm not being given the attention and lessons that I deserve-that everyone deserves. Some students shouldn't be taking advantage of the teachers of course, but the teachers need to know that they're in charge. Come on! Sometimes it just gets ridiculous. 
        Way off topic. Oops.
What I find most hilariously coincidental about all of this was that I heard TWO songs today. One was "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (whom I adore), but that doesn't count too much seeing as I randomly had it come up on my iPod while on shuffle. The only other song I heard was "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith. This entire song metaphorically compares a relationship to a dream because it is so unreal. Maybe it was a coincidence but I don't think so, not this time. The lyrics match up almost too perfectly to some of what I felt that it was almost scary.
         So this dream I had was incredible! Everything in it felt so incredibly real. In fact, it felt so real that when I woke up it felt as if I had began dreaming. It made me ponder the idea of 'What if when we're sleeping we're really awake, and when we're awake we're really asleep?' Now I know it's absurd but it honestly made me wonder.
I couldn't stop thinking about the way the dream made me feel all through out the day.
The man who let me down was suddenly this fantasized hero, making me feel so loved.
Just touching him made my body feel electric. 
I didn't want this to happen either. I don't plan my dreams. I envy all those who can control what they do in their dreams, like fly. How I would love to be able to do that!
This man had just hurt me in the real world and I was not ready to forgive him but apparently my imagination had moved on long before my heart, along with my mind. 
Something about holding him and him holding me filled that void I've been searching for these past few weeks. It filled the hunger my soul has been looking for these past few weeks. It made me feel happy. It made me feel strong. Just the feel of his skin made everything in my life feel better.
I'm not one to try and psycho analyze my dreams. (Ha, ha. I know, after a page of me ranting I sound like a lying hypocrite; but seriously, I don't usually do this!)
I'm just wondering what this means. I honestly doubt it means anything because it goes against my better judgement, my heart and my mind.
Okay, it agrees with my heart. Big whoop. My heart only feels; it never thinks first.
I guess what I've learned from this is that temptation can be a pretty scary thing.
It can make you lust for what you know is wrong for you. It tests you on so many levels. It's a test of your will power and a trial of your strength. 
The only problem is, if you don't know the answer to: What should I do?, or, What is the right thing to do?, then you might be in trouble. 
I guess I know what I want, but I know what I need.
Choosing which one to guide me through the next steps of my life is what will help determine what I stand for I guess.
And who knows, maybe in a month or two I'll look back thinking "Wow. Why did I ever think that was the right choice? Why would I ever stand to believe such BS?!"
I'm going to be okay with making these mistakes (If I do) though. You know why? Because when I look back I'll think "Hey, I may have stood up for the wrong thing, but at least I stood up for something that I thought was right." 
That , is what will make it okay.

Slowly but Surely in Silence

Last night I lit a few candles and sat silently, watching them glow.
I turned off my laptop, phone, iPod, and all the lights and I just sat there, watching the candles slowly burn.
I can't stop lighting them now. There's something really peaceful about just watching the flames dance... it's really calming.
So as I sat there in the silence I did something I don't think I've done in a long time; I listened to it. For a few minutes I heard nothing, but then, all at once, it was as if every single thought came plummeting upon me. Then, out of nowhere, I found myself praying to God. I can't remember the last time I truly prayed, most likely over a year ago.
I prayed for everything and everyone. Suddenly, I realized the silence had made me realize how much was actually on my mind. I am so grateful for everything I have and everyone in my life, but I like to brush off things that are bothering me. I typically write when I'm bothered or exercise, and although it may make me feel better, it never does anything to actually fix the problem.
Listening to the silence gave me a chance to think about how I'm going to handle what is on my plate. It gave me time to assess if I was blowing it out of proportion, or if I wasn't taking it seriously enough. It helped me think of ways to actually deal with my problems at hand. Being able to know I've got a few solutions right now feels so much better. Sure, writing a poem would make me feel better, but I would still have a problem, and sometimes I just don't feel like writing a poem or exercising every time I'm stressed...

For the Sake of It

I don't know what this post is about.
I don't even know what's really going on right now.
My curtain is pink and alone.
The rain is coming down quite harshly.
I like it.
I like that I'm inside and warm.
The colourful flowers aren't real.
It's all synthesized. All of it.
Being alone can be a scary thing.
Truly terrifying.
I feel so hungry yet no matter how much I eat nothing fills me.
I don't even have a clue as to what I'm looking for.
I need to find this source that will replenish me.
I want to understand but I just can't.
I don't like these circumstances.
Confusion has taken over, slowly and subtly but surely.
My brain feels foggy.
Why do I have this song on my iPod? It's terrible..
I feel like I'm floating.
I feel like I'm not living, just existing at this exact moment.
I want it to end.
Wake me up.

Almost

Today was my little sister's first day back at school.

(Luckily for me, I don't start til tomorrow! Ha!)

My sister's slowly growing up and although she's a brat and pain in my rear end I love her more than anything.

Well, now that she's getting older she's dressing differently; she's showing more mature taste in clothing. I'm not saying she's wearing short skirts and black halter tops or anything, I'm just saying she's dropping the whole tom-boy character and basketball shorts. She's starting to wear shirts and dresses that I find really cute.

It's weird seeing her change like this, even though I like it.

Well a couple hours after she left I couldn't help but think: Wow! I should have offered to put makeup on for her!

Stop.

As soon as the idea entered my head it was as if sirens and smoke alarms were set off and I couldn't see properly. 

It made me remember what makeup really is.

Makeup is a mask.

Sure, when you're little you play around with your mother's makeup and experiment with your friends at sleepovers, but as you get older makeup takes on an entire new role in most women's lives, and I believe it's called 'confidence'. 

It's sad, but it's true (for me at least).

It's gotten to the point where I never go out in public without makeup. 

I still remember the day I was hooked. I was putting on a Halloween costume and thought, "I should put on a little bit of makeup!" Just for fun, plus it was Halloween so I thought people would figure it would go with my pop star costume.

Well, it screwed me up.

Ever since, and it was probably only grade 9, I've worn makeup to school every single day. Not once did I not wear it. I had to wear it. If I wasn't wearing it I would feel horrible about myself. I would try to keep my head down and not talk much to anybody, not even my closest friends. And it's silly, because nobody's going to remember the one day you weren't wearing makeup. In fact, most guys don't even notice it much (unless you've got it caked on, although I never did that).

Every year I always experiment and that usually means I wear a little bit more makeup as the days and weeks go by. 

It's so horribly sad, but I feel so ugly without makeup on.

I only don't wear it if I know I'm staying at home all day and won't see anybody I know. 

I know it's wrong. I know there are other qualities and traits I have that make me an amazing person, it's just that now that I've tasted it once I feel as though I can't live without it. I know it sounds shallow, and I wish it weren't so, but that's how I feel.

As soon as I realized what I just said I realized I never wanted to help her with makeup. Not yet at least... she's not even in high school yet. And no, wearing makeup doesn't make you a bad person, but I know that most girls get confidence from it that is artificial -me being one of them. I just don't want that for her.

She's really smart, smarter than I was at that age. She's got good friends and she's genuinely a nice person. No, she's not perfect, but she's my baby sister and I want her to know I think the world of her.

I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to feel beautiful for at least a little bit longer until she starts feeling the need to wear makeup to school.

I want her to know she doesn't need makeup to be beautiful.

Because I love her.