Nostalgic Moment Are Haunting

Today was kind of hard.

I had a doctor's appointment, it was just a check up. I go to them about once every 2 months for the past year or so. Before that the appointments were more frequents-starting at once a week and lengthening the visits to where they're at now.

I've been visiting this hospital for just over 7 years.

I've had the same amazing doctor there for these past 7 years. He's truly amazing. He talks to me like an adult, even since I was no older than 10 he always spoke to ME, and made sure I understood. He would address my parents second, but always made sure I knew what was going on. Not many people do that, especially not doctors -they really like speaking to the parents because they see them as the person of authority.

Saying goodbye was hard. It was really fast.

By this I mean I'm old enough now that I'll be moved to an adult hospital. I wish I had known ahead of time that it would have been the last time I'd seen him. I plan on visiting him with some baking soon. He's truly amazing and will be greatly missed.

My dad choked up at the end. The doctor left with the nurse still in the room and my dad just started crying. I felt badly because my doctor; Dr. D, has been through my life experiences with me, helping me get better the entire time. He's been so kind and caring. So I understood why saying goodbye would be hard for my dad. I tried comforting him by hugging him but it felt so odd... being the child having to comfort the adult. I'm used to it ; to putting on the brave face when I'm sick and telling people I'm fine because it does no good if everybody is worrying over me. I hate people worrying and making a fuss about me. I always try to avoid that. Well I know my dad's still upset, he has a reason to be. It's over 7 years of my life, I completely understand. Sometimes it's hard having to be strong all the time. I know everybody understands what I mean. Some people are forced to grow up and mature faster than others. What I've been through has been such an incredible journey and made me so much stronger than most my age, I don't regret that. Sometimes though, I just wish I could be the one comforted. I know there are millions of people going through worse than I am, which is how I can appreciate what I've got as well as I do, but on the other hand, I've been through a decent amount in my life, and to just brush it aside is not always easy. In fact, it's not always healthy.

I never cry in front of anybody. I've got a fear of crying in front of anybody. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I want people to see how grateful and happy am I with the life I'm living. But every once in awhile, everything is just too much and we all need to cry. Maybe for a minute, maybe for an hour... either way it's part of being human so I'm trying to accept that more and more as I get older. 

Anyways, I'm sure the new hospital will be fine. May be odd at first but I'll adapt. I'm actually a little bit excited. I did the appointment with my doctor alone today. My dad just came in at the end to say goodbye. I was a bit afraid at first because my dad always goes in with me. I thought conversation would be harder and things would get awkward. I was so happy to be wrong. Talking was so easy with him and natural. He felt more like a friend than a doctor and we got in a few last laughs. Transitioning to the new hospital will help me grow up and experience events on my own. I know it's going to make me stronger. I know this because it will be hard, even if it does sound small. But when you leave a hospital with the doctors and nurses that helped save your life, you know it's going to be a challenge.

I'm up for it though!

Late Night Skype

I love skype because it lets me see people I may not have otherwise had the chance to. It's fairly personal.
To be honest, I don't usually skype people I see on a daily basis. I use it mainly to catch up with people living further away.
There's one guy I love to skype. I only know him through xbox, and I know it may sound weird to others who haven't done that before, or sound unsafe, but when you talk to someone for over a year you really get to know them. You learn their flaws and what you really like about them. And because you're not seeing them everyday the friendship you have with them is even more impressive. It means you have to put more effort into it; it doesn't come as easily. It's a lot easier to communicate with someone when you're privileged with seeing them everyday, you know?
Well this friend and I, we skype a decent amount. Not as much as I'd like but we're both pretty busy, although he's definitely busier. It's not a bad thing. I can admire it.
Whenever we're skyping I have to be quiet because it's usually later (since there's a time change) -I'd hate for my mom or dad to wake up because they'd probably be mad (especially my dad because he's pretty over protective and would think it's dangerous and stupid of me. I'm naive sometimes but I have good judgement of people. I wouldn't be giving my information to complete strangers unless I had good reasoning, which I do, it's called trust. I trust the people and my better judgement to steer me in the right direction. I'm very safe.). It's hard to be so quiet though because he does a good job at making me laugh. When he smiles it's like, horribly contagious in the best way. When he laughs I always laugh. I laugh a lot... I think it weirds him out. I'm glad it weirds him out. He's not the happiest go-lucky guy. I'm not saying he's depressed or anything, not even, I guess I'm just used to being around my friends who are honestly always laughing or smiling. It's different for me to not be around someone who's constantly happy. Different can be good though.
I pretty much begged him to go on webcam last night because I hadn't seen him in awhile. That was a small mistake. I loved seeing him but he'd been drinking a bit and was way tired. I don't regret it, but I would've rather talked to him while he was sober and more awake... It's always nice seeing his handsome smile though. I'd never be the fool to pass that up.
Anyways, I hope it was the liquor talking but he kept mumbling about how he's going to break my heart. "I don't do it on purpose, it just always happens. It might not be right away, may be in 50 years, but it always happens." Of course I asked him to explain but he wouldn't. Usually I'd let it drop but I really wanted to understand. He can't make jokes about love and then tell me he's going to break my heart. He kind of already has a larger amount than I'd like him to, so he worried me. But, I'm blaming it on his state of mind because I'm sure he didn't mean it. Plus, we're young. We're supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. We're supposed to let them make us stronger.
The problem is, I think I really like this boy...

Priceless

Today I rode my bicycle without using my hands.
I didn't even know I could do that.
I just did it.
I haven't felt that free in a very long time.
I hadn't smiled like that for no reason at all in a long time.
It felt like everything was perfect, if even for just a moment.
As if the whole world was mine and I had no worries.
Freedom.

First for everything

I just had my first kiss.
Ironically, a boyfriend came with the package.
I'm about to get really honest..
The kiss was bad.
It was in my garage as he was leaving. He's really slow at making moves so I did it.
He apologized right away saying "Sorry, I'm really bad at kissing."
To which I'm pretty sure I said "That's okay."
Fuckkkk.. I feel so badly for saying that , oops!
Anyways, I kissed him a second time. It wasn't good either. Maybe even worse.
He left.
Well, now I'm telling my sister about it.
Great. She was the first to know that I have my first boyfriend.
My dad was the first to officially know I liked him as more than a friend.

So how did I end up dating him? (I won't be naming names..)
Well...
He liked me as more than a friend for awhile I think.
I was afraid of losing him as a friend because he means a lot to me.
His smell lingers in my basement.
Is it bad... I mean, they say that you remember your first kiss but I don't want to remember it exactly. After the second one I walked out to see his mom and sister in the car at the end of my driveway. That was fairly awkward. I guess if my mind doesn't remember this then I can re-read all this.. yay!
Anyways, I guess I finally started seeing him as more than just a friend.
We had been texting for months, almost a year. Then we went to a few movies and I had him meet my friends.
Tonight he met my parents. I have the MOST over protective dad in the world, no joke. Well, dinner with the family went a lot better than I had thought. All though honestly I was thinking the worst.. my family was totally themselves around him. Which was nice but it was also a bit embarrassing, oh well, wouldn't do it over again even if I could.
At the end of the night I felt so awkward asking if we were "facebook official". He said sure so I guess I'll update that tomorrow. I don't know, it's not on my number one list of top priorities or whatever.
Okay, so I guess this is -what, our third official date or whatever? Anyways, first was movie. Second he met my friends. Third tonight. We went to a movie then came to my house. We finished a movie and then went for a walk. Came back and gamed. Watched ANOTHER movie and cuddled. Then he called his mom to pick him up. When I got back to my room from the washroom was when he asked if we were official.
I feel like such a hypocrite.
He's a great guy and I'd love calling him my boyfriend, which I now can.
His smell still lingers in my room.
I want to redo my first kiss.
I'm a bad person.
I'm being honest.
Blah.

Well, I feel so hypocritical because I'm that one girl saying there's no point in high school relationships because they don't last. Well, I would more make fun of those relationships where they think they'll get married. It DOES happen, but rarelyyyyyy.
So, now I'm a girlfriend. I'm no longer single.
Sad. Happy. Mixed emotions.
I'm pretty independent. This relationship's going to be about fun. Nothing too serious.
I certainly don't see myself having sex with him, well not yet.
I don't want my morals to change too much, they already have quite a bit.
Hmmmmm...
I feel, I don't know.
I'm happy to have a guy like him to call my boyfriend.
He's sweet but a little bit awkward and nerdy. In a cute way. He listens to me attentively and takes interests in what I do. It's really nice.
Before he left I hugged him and almost kissed him. Then I thought "You don't want to have to remember your first kiss in your room after a breakup. Then, everytime you look at that spot that's all you'll see." So now I just have to walk out the front door instead of the garage if things turn sour. Hopefully not too soon.
Ouhh! How long will we last? I'm not too sure.... I'm hoping at least 3 months. I think that's a decent amount of time. He lives far enough away that I can imagine seeing him probably once a week. Not too bad I guess.
I wonder if we'll go to prom together. It's interesting imaging where things will go.
Don't confuse my curiosity with jumping-screaming-teenage-girl-fantasies. Oh no. I'm an optimist with the sensibility of a realist. That's how I roll.
So, August 17th, 2012, the day I got my first boyfriend. Funny too, my dad always told me I had to wait til I was 17.
The only thing left on my mind is who do I tell first, (pretending I haven't told my sister) and how do I tell my father?
Wish me good luck. I'm going to need it.

Smile

I'm happy.
I'm so happy :)
Life feels right right now. I feel fairly at peace with everything.
Cheering on Canada in the Olympics. I love watching the gymnastics. I wish I had their talent.
I've got my feelings sorted out about the people in my life.
I get to see my friends soon and I can't wait. I absolutely love my friends. Most are guys but that's even better - guys are typically less drama, especially my guys, and I'm always smiling and laughing around them.
I'm getting my swimming accreditation's sorted out.
I plan on cutting my hair within the beginning of the school year- 10 inches off, give or take.
I want the cartilage on my ear pierced. I think it'll look cute.
I'm a bit afraid for school to start again, the summer is zooming by.
At least I'll be shopping in the States in a couple weeks... yay new clothes! Not even on my dime too, how exciting!
Well, I'm still just trying to appreciate every day I'm given. I'm trying to respect the people in my life and love and laugh as much as possible.
Hope everyone else is doing the same xo