Stream of Consciousness

Turn left at the end of the street
Mindlessly envision the day ahead of me
You're the sunflower, I think your love would be too much. Right?
I was never a huge Post Malone fan, but this song is cute.

Thud. Bump. Thunk. Hyperaware of every noise the car makes as it speeds down the back roads. Everyone is inordinately concerned about their first baby.
                           The lakes that formed on the side of the road on our drive home from Catherine's. Crouched, hysterical, an absolute mess. The Q had spared us. Guilt had materialized. Kind bystanders helping - none suspecting I cried for a reason other than almost abruptly waving my life away. My car. 

Heavy breathing. Fidgeting fingers. Second time, but a similar room. Others have sat here. Hushes words. Broken families. Drug addictions. Wanting to end it all. Then there's me. An hour. An hour of Kleenex's being tugged, silence, apologies... Struggling to understand. Struggling by comparing masked dandelions to carbon steel. Am I just whining?                                                               But I thought I was dying.

The raw and beautiful voice of Billie Eilish quietly loudens. The car drives smoothly. Carries me safely to work. I am safe. 

56 copies about Ancient Civilizations. How many will be picked up at the end of the day as I rush out to my evening job? Blake will certainly lose his... four today, at least. 

$16.
$16?
Wow.
"Yeah, sorry about the charge. Normally insurance can cover it all, but yours only covers 90%." Smiling, she misunderstands... this is wonderful. Grateful.

$3,149.27.

Wow.

I will die without this. Insurance is literally saving my life - for now.

Jenny's mother works three jobs and makes just enough money to live in a shared apartment in the roughest part of town. Her kids don't arrive with lunches, they know they will get fed. How would she cope in my shoes? How would I in hers? How will I?

When Jenny was younger she was beautiful and carefree. She fell in love. She jokingly tells James they have to get married before she quits her current job and loses her insurance. Her dream is to be an artist - to be featured in Fundació Joan Miró. Younger than Smell's Like Teen Spirit. She jokes about a ring. He breaks a glass. He leaves her in the silence of their tiny hole. She lights up a cigarette - she doesn't even smoke, it is his. She lets it burns, just to have something to stimulate her senses. Repetition. The bottom drawer with a pair of mismatched socks, and one to the side; this is how she feels. Seven months to marry, or to move to Barcelona, or to return to Oregon.

18th century women had it easy she thinks. Men today take too long to commit. The pressure to be wealthy, and the weight of debt that burdens their shoulders is too distracting for them to ponder love. To be in love.

Who can tell me the name of one of the explorer's who traveled to North America? Bethany, please stop distracting your peers, this is important.

Looks of boredom... every.single.one.

Why does the government choose this? Why do I have to teach this? I am bored of this too! I could never tell them... or I could. Bethany, I am not going to ask you again, please. stop. distracting. Adam.

Burnt. It must be an omen. It is an omen. 

I will go anywhere to be with you. I will travel the globe. Once considering myself weak, I have come to realize the strength this type of commitment takes. 

And now, entering the studio, all your fears, doubts - even humiliation, and irritation. First, Sudbury, perhaps travel North? Space in French, but not before ? in English. Am I sure that is right? I tell others it is. I hope so.

Drive. Don't think about it too much. About... exactly. Home.

Carbon steel - remember? You are the strongest you have ever been. You accomplish amazing feats others gawk at. Perhaps not gawk, rather let their jaw hang for the appropriate and polite length of time to show appreciation and awe. Anticipation for this next journey burns and builds inside of me, both from excitement and sadness. 

The next journey awaits. I daydream that the Q spares me again.

Here I am.

Four years later. 

So many memories come flooding back when I reminisce on friendships, cities, love, family, goals...

I have met amazing individuals. Each individual has left an everlasting mark upon me, like a freckle.
These freckles have become vocal illustrations. 

These freckles are also grains of sand, splashes of ocean water, and heart-shaped rocks found hiking. 

These freckles are physical markings from hugs, tears, kisses, intertwined fingers, cover-stealing and sweet dreams. 

These freckles are words of encouragement, promises of happiness, and a brighter future than those past. 

These freckles are Barcelona, The Great Gatsby, Mrs. Rae, future flights and adventures I have awaiting for me. 

These freckles are forever. They must be. They are patient and kind.
They remain strong while the car windows are down and my hair whips relentlessly around myself. 

These freckles will be permanent reminders of my strength as I travel the Trans-Canada Highway from coast to coast.

These freckles, these speckles, they can make anyone believe.

To believe in happiness. 

To choose happiness. 

A Year Later

I always believed that if a boy made you cry or pained you when you were in love with him then the relationship you two shared was not worth it. I believed this because I thought a boy should never be able to make you feel horrible about a situation or make you cry. These beliefs came from a side of me that was extremely independent -almost ignorantly so.
Now I realize if a man is able to elicit tears and pain from you then it is worth it. Because now I understand that this is passion.
And if there is a person in your life that can make you elicit these types of emotions then perhaps that is how you know the love and relationship you share is worth it -whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, emotions of all sorts should be experienced. How boring would a relationship be if they could not make you feel anything? That would not be a relationship. That would be complacency. Boring. Love is supposed to make you laugh and cry -nothing in life is one-sided. These emotions of fear, anger, hurt, regret -prove this person and your relationship with them matters enough to you for you to be able to feel any emotion at all.
And, that to me, is now how I view love. 

Different.

I see your face,
I cry.
I see your face,
I smile..

Why?
Why is that?

You're the only thing in life that makes me drastically sad.
Wow.
Literally nothing else in my life can make me sad like you, and ironically enough, that itself is very sad. So why do I keep you around? Part of me says it's because you can also make me happy like nothing else in my life can; a different way and a different happiness than I've ever known. It's bitter sweet, you know?

Sometimes I think that staying with you is wrong. I can't even look at what I'm writing because it's so honest. If I look away will It go away? I came so far once. Just once; to get over you. And now I'm here again, but it's round 2. So it's the same idea but I've done it before so it's not as hard, essentially though it's still the exact same thing.
I want to love you.

I'm so afraid you'll hurt me again.
I let what the others say affect me. I shouldn't. I try so hard not to let it, but it does.

And why was I ever mad at the cute guy who treated me well? He was annoying, but I was the one who acted ignorantly. I shouldn't be the angry one. I'm sorry... Funny how it took me 2 months to realize it. This is as strong as I am though, I couldn't go further and I'm sorry for that as well.

I don't think I'm where I used to be though. I'm getting better at this.

Pleasure In Pain

There's a weird pleasure in pain, especially heartache. What is it that is so attractive to human beings to love another who doesn't love you back? ...It comes with a pain that is sickly pleasurable.

I believe its driven by desire. You desire this love because it's so unattainable. So then what happens once you attain it? You probably move on and lose interest, right? Ideally; it makes sense to me. Moving on is hard but sometimes staying in a difficult situation is more painful. We know that moving on hurts because it means defeat to some, me included, sometimes... When I move on, or at least try, it's as though I'm giving up on something I had been working so hard on. Even though I had no control over the situation completely, I still take complete responsibility, and why is that? Why do we blame ourselves so often for things we can't control? Is there another pleasure in this pain? Because I have not felt it, I've only felt pain stem from it. And I was wondering if this is just a phase, but I'm pretty sure this is an inner battle that everyone faces, no matter what age, all your life. I mean, that can easily be seen as a bad thing, but it's a part of life that you can't control, you can simply accept it. And maybe that's the good in this whole pleasure in pain situation. Maybe what we take from it all is that we have to stop blaming ourselves for things that turn out negatively, and just accept them as part of life. Hopefully it teaches us that it is possible to obtain pleasure from life without also experiencing pain. We all know that's true, but maybe when we really think about it in this context we can better understand it. On the other hand, maybe it's totally normal to experience pleasure in certain types of pain, and it's an unquestionable part of life. Perhaps there's no lesson to it and it's just part of life, it just is. I don't have the answers, I'm just trying to unbiasedly open my mind to all hypothesis. Because you can never truly know for sure, and you always have to expect the unexpected. 

C'est La Vie

Well hello.
Happy New Year! 2013. I have no idea what this year has in store for me, but I've decided I'm done being lazy right now. Not actually 'lazy', just.. hmm.. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen when I can make them happen.
That's what I am doing tomorrow.
I'm ending this relationship because it's not healthy for me and it's made me mad.
I'm fidgety and moody and the only thing I want to do is punch a punching bag as hard as possible until I literally can't breath. Once I catch my breath I want to cry until I've created a pond. Then I'll take my goldfish out of his tank and let him swim more freely in there.
I almost broke up on the phone but then I didn't think it was a nice enough way.
Tomorrow I'm visiting him in person. I want to make it fast and just pull it off quickly like a band-aid.
I'm really proud of myself to be honest. He was seeing another girl and knew it troubled me but kept doing it until it got to being ridiculous. I'm excited that I'm smart enough not to put up with that BS.
I haven't been to church in about two weeks because I've been sick on and off, but I'm looking forward to returning next week! I spent all day yesterday reading about the bible and God and Jesus. It's hard for me to take it all in but at the same time it's oh so incredible! Plus, the Lord will always put me first and no other man, yet person, will ever love me as much as he does.
Amen.

Closer Everyday

I realized I usually only write when I'm upset or I've got something on my mind.
People must think I'm a depressed person for that reasoning. I'm not though!
The only reason why I write when I'm upset is because it relieves some of the pain and makes me feel better. When I'm happy though, I have no urge to write because that's just how it works.
I've been so happy these past couple of weeks.
It's mostly thanks to my dad. Him and I have an amazing relationship and I completely trust him with everything. A couple weeks ago we had a really good talk that has literally changed me for the better.
Seeing as I was able to be so completely and utterly honest with him I was able to tell him about a lot of my problems and worries. He was a great listener and even better with his giving me his opinion.
What really helped was the fact that I was lying in bed looking like a mess with no makeup on or fancy clothing; plain old me. He looked at me and told me I was smart, beautiful and an amazing person, and I could tell he really meant it.
All of his words that night made me feel so much better, not just about myself but about all of my life and the way I had been living every single day.
So what's really changed?
I have more confidence! I've realized I look in the mirror a ton less now because I can't exactly change the way I look, and others should like me for who I am on the inside.
On Halloween I wore a costume I normally wouldn't have had the courage to wear before, because it was pretty scary and got enough attention that I before would have been too self conscious to have received. It felt really good though! Some people didn't even know who I was.
In class I participate more without feeling as scared as to whether or not my answer or opinion was wrong (Honestly though, opinion questions should always receive full marks).  That's great because it's helped boost my mark a bit more.
Speaking of marks, I've figured out what I want to do after high school and I'm pretty sure I know which universities I plan on going to!
My indoor soccer has started up again I really like my team... it's an odd mash-up of characters but we somehow play well together and I've been having fun. The only weird thing for me is that I'm the oldest; I've never been the oldest person on my team... actually, I think in the whole league me and my other friend are the only two who are 17/18... huh! Indirectly I realized it's been good because it lets me take on more of a leadership role. Being the oldest of three I'm used to that, so this way on my team I can treat my tea mates in a way I know I already feel comfortable, and create a stronger relationship.
I did a huge clean-up of my room a week ago and it's managed to somehow stay that way-I have no idea how! I got rid of clothing I was before too sad to give away because of the memories (even though I knew full well I'd never wear them again...). Then I got rid of a bunch of other things such as books and toys that I hadn't used in years. It felt great to have a clean room, but it felt even better to have inspired my family to do the same thing!
I've had a good break from my boyfriend recently. I'm not saying we were on a break, I'm saying I haven't seen him since his birthday which was two weekends ago. (I met his friends and hung out with him all day. Sometimes that's tiring for me but I actually enjoyed myself. He bought baking ingredients because he knows how much I love baking and I thought that was sincerely sweet of him. We baked then all his friends came over and we went for dinner. I baked him an amazing cake and then I had to return home. I think I like him better because I like his friends, is that wrong? I'm not sure but I don't think it is haha!) Being away from him has given me a chance to breathe and appreciate things better.
Also... what kind of post would this be if I didn't mention 'him'? -Maybe a good one? I'm kidding.. kind of. I haven't spoken to him in quite awhile and I feel guilty for admitting I don't exactly hurt from missing him. OK, maybe I don't feel guilty, I feel great! I love him but getting a breather from him as well has really helped me see clearly. When poets say 'love blinds' or 'love is blinding', it's not just a cute quote they stick in there; they mean it! Love can twist the way you sense anything and everything. That's when I realized that taking a step back and understanding that my dad was right-I deserve the best- really opened my eyes.... maybe he's not for me. I think I'll always love him. Who knows; only time will tell!
Well... I've experienced what I've seen to be huge changes in my life, such as cleaning my room, participating in class and things like cleaning my room. A lot of people might think these are just ordinary things but deep down thanks to that talk with my dad I've gotten enough self confidence to do them all confidently and take pride in them. I love my dad.
I can't wait to discover more about myself.